Treasure Hunters - Air Date August 7

This recap is dedicated to Team Miss USA. You ladies were screwed over by the producers' bad decision. The other teams should at least have had to search for their cars.

The critics of Treasure Hunters can't decide if they don't like the show because it's too much like The Amazing Race or if it's not enough like it. Me, I love the show for what it is, but that's not to say there isn't room for improvement and there is one way I'd like to see it inch a little closer to the Race. At the end of the last episode everyone was still in France. As we begin this episode, the remaining hunters were just arriving back in New York, United States. Even if it's just a call from studly Laird shouting orders at them to get their butts back to American soil, that would be something. As it is, it feels like there is a gap in the narrative. I'm not saying there should be airport shenanigans, but it would be nice to see how and why they're going from Point A to Point B.
Genius Charles did a voiceover here and he sounded positively orgasmic about being back on American soil a
gain. That excited after just a few days in the United Kingdom and France? Chucky's not the travelling type, is he? I'd hate to see how he'd fare on his dream of a five year mission to boldly go where no one has gone before.
John Southie's does an interview where he says it's their time to shine, but the most important thing here is the close-up on John. You know what that means. That's right, time to pause the tape and bask in the gorgeousness.
The teams are split up into two limos, the Southies and Ex-CIAs in one, the Geniuses and Treasure Force Contestabots in the other. I wonder if this was deliberate, because the first two teams were in Alaska together and the other two teams were in the South Pacific together back in the beginning. Anyway, Ensign Charles of the Starship Geniuses had a feeling they were going to hear from Admiral Laird and his sweet Vulcan ways soon. If they did, we weren't privy to the communication. What we did get was Womanbot talking about how American history has been woven through the entire hunt and her circuits were abuzz over how it will all come together in the end.
The cars pulled up the the Waldorf Astoria, a pleasant enough looking joint if you're in need of a bed to flop in for the night. Lieutenant Francis of the Starship Geniuses was very excited about this, so much so that he forgot what he was doing and was only able to calculate the value of pi to 19 places. Apparently he knows a lot of rich people who keep sending him postcards of swanky places to make him feel bad about his homemade Starfleet uniforms. That's right, this week the Geniuses are getting a Trekkie theme throughout the entire recap.
What can I say about the suite they were ushered into? You could fit two or three of my entire apartment into there, though I do my best to keep my home fancy on a chimney sweep's pay.
Ensign Charles was thrilled that not only did they have a butler, but a captain too! Now he could finally get reassigned away from the tyrannical Captain Sam! He said they've never been allowed anywhere near a place like that. Other places they've never been allowed near? The cool kids' lunch table, popular parties, the awesomest frats on campus, and girls' bedrooms. By winning Treasure Hunters, they might finally get their revenge!
The teams celebrated and toasted being in the final four. Double-0 Mark (licensed to grill) had a wee bit too much to drink, and he didn't care if his martinis were shaken, stirred, or martinis. He just wanted to enjoy the demon rum. This concerned his teammates, as Double-O Todd (licensed to chill) let us know. Double-0 Jacob (licensed to thrill) voiced his concern, and Mark said he just wanted to have a good time.
After a night of what had to be some decadent debauchery, the contestants got their next Lairdogram. He let them know that this day the location of the final artifact would be revealed, but first they must find the code that unlocks the cryptex they found last week. The search begins with a familar face (and we were shown an image of a Susan B. Anthony dollar) at the Great Americans Hall of Fame.
There were four of the coins by the Lairdovision set, and each team grabbed one and bolted.
Dreamy John Southie played it smart and hired a cab to lead them to the Hall. It was smart in two ways. Providing the cab driver knows where he's going (trust me, teams, if you watch Amazing Race you'll see how often that can go wrong) they'll get there fast and not get lost, and it also provides another opportunity for a John close-up.
Captain Sam was piloting the Carship Geniuses through Newyorkian space and needed Ensign Charles to navigate. The junior officer was getting pretty snappy with his commander when all the captain wanted was a clarification of a direction given. I think he should have thrown Chucky into the brig for a night to cool off and to learn to respect his superior officers.
The Carship made an unexpected move, which confused the standard equipment GPS systems in the Air Force contestabot units. People think I'm joking about the mechanical nature of Team Air Force, but the robotic way Manbot2 read out loud about Susan B. Anthony totally supported my assertions.
Double-0 Mark (licensed to be quiet everyone because his head is killing him this morning) was driving for the Ex-Spooks, and they decided to follow the Southie Boys.
His teammates teased him about his driving, that he drives like a grandmother and his knuckles were totally white from clinging to the steering wheel. He laughed, but I saw him eyeing the eject buttons.
The Southies arrived first, took a little time to remove their shirts and flex their chisled bodies, and headed on inside. They got to the bust of Susan B. Anthony and started looking around for some sort of clue without much luck. Then we got another interview with John. It's going to take forever to get through this episode at this rate.
The Ex-CIAs surprisingly pulled up next, considering that their navigational skills would have had me betting on them being somewhere in New Jersey by this point. The other two teams got there soon after, but I've got nothing witty to say about it.
All four teams examined the bust and something caught me eye. It's amazing on these shows how easy it is to forget that it's not just the contestants running around but camera operators too. That's why seeing the shadow of a cameraman came as a surprise even though we know they are there. And more than one as well. Considering that each team would have their own camera, you'd think they'd get into more shots.
Back to the show, after searching the grounds a bit, it suddenly occurred to them to wonder what direction ol' Susie was looking at, and sure enough she was looking at a bust of Lafayette where there was a mailbox with the next clues. Why there is a mailbox right in front of the bust of Lafayette, I don't know, unless he was never able to shake his Columbia House responsibilities.
Once they got the clues, which directed them to the Gould Memorial Library, all the teams took off faster than Ensign Charles running from a Klingon landing party.
Library? Where were the books? The periodicals? The microfiche? Maybe they were tucked away, but this was more like an art gallery. The Motorola phones rang and Lairdbrarian told the hunters that for thousands of years artists have hidden messages in their artworks. The next clue is hidden in one of the displayed paintings, and he added cryptically, "In this case, art imitates life." We as the audience were let in on what painting it is, as we see a picture of people in an art gallery and a sculpture in that gallery casting a shadow in the form of a ship on a white, round object.
Manbot1 asked, "What is this 'art' you humans enjoy, and what are these things called 'emotions' that it affects?" Ensign Charles screamed, "ROBOT!" and shot his mechanical nemesis with his phaser, but the beam ineffectually reflected off Manbot1's advanced skin-like alloy.
Okay, that didn't happen, but it was fun to write.
Captain Sam called his crew over as he found the painting we saw previously and it was titled, "Today."
They went over to the sculpture, turned on a light switch, and saw the shadow of a ship projected onto a white, round bench or table just as it was in the painting. If I may interject, and you know how I hate doing that, this was actually pretty damned cool. Looking at the sculpture, at least from most angles except for straight on otherwise this wouldn't be possible, you would never see the shape of a ship, yet the shadow most definitely was one. They turned the light back off before the other teams saw it and went to a painting that had a ship silhouetted against the moon.
The card under the painting read...
"Sailing to Philadelphia"
oil on canvas
Property of Land Title Building
Philadelphia, PA
They beamed themselves out of there quickly to get a headstart on the remaining teams, but it may not have been much of a lead as Manbot1's optical imaging scanners was able to compare the first painting to the surroundings he was currently in.
The other two teams were there to share in this clue, and somebody noticed the Geniuses were missing. The first concern is that they may have somehow wandered into Romulan space, but Manbot1 then calculated that it was more likely they had already seen the clue and skedaddled.
"Warp factor 10, Mr. Charles!" as the Geniuses made tracks to their Carship. Lieutenant Francis said, "I never run this fast unless I'm running towards sex or food." Even then, neither is never more than a hand's reach away for him.
The Starfleet officers were in the Carship Geniuses when the other teams came out of the "library", and Double-0 Mark asked them if they're going to Philly. Ensign Charles, in a clear case of insubordination, shouted at his captain to "Go! GO!" Tsk tsk. I thought the Federation was supposed to help people!
Philadelphia is Lieutenant Francis' hometown, and he figured that would give them an advantage. I'm left hoping for an Amazing Race moment where the team member in their hometown gets more hopelessly lost than anyone else.
Womanbot accessed her empathy subroutine and said that the Geniuses were probably just trying to even up the playing field by leaving like they did.
I had no idea how close New York was to Philadelphia. I just Googled (sorry Ask.com, the product placement hasn't swayed me, but if you send me one of those nifty t-shirts we haven't seen in a while...) the distance, and while I wasn't able to get consistant answers it's basically somewhere between a 90 to 100 minute drive. That's a little disappointing, because I was hoping it would be a 12 hour nightmare.
The Carship Geniuses arrived first, with Ensign Charles and Lieutenant Francis getting snippy at each other over the spelling of "Philadelphia".
Francis was stoked about going home to Philly and said they automatically had an advantage. The team then tried to do some three way fist bump or something but it just came off as awkward and wrong, especially with Charles holding a pen in his pasty hand.
Other teams started arriving, the Ex-CIAs in their gadget-packed supercar and the Southies in their Southiemobile. Nothing on the Air Force who just may have decided to run all the way.
At the Land Title Building, their Motorolaoid communicator chirped and the Geniuses got a message from Admiral Laird. The building is 110 years old, and the 22nd floor holds the information they seek. They can reach it in Suite 2226 but only one of them may make the journey. Ensign Charles is selected for this duty, and it's no coincidence that he's wearing a red shirt on this particular day (seriously, I love that he's wearing a red shirt, if you don't click on the links normally you should check that one out to see why).
In the Southiemobile, the Mullen twins are arguing, particularly Martin who is driving. Matthew understand this though, because in an interview he said that driving in cars for 14 hours straight, for three weeks, a lot of frustration builds up and you have to vent.
As the Ex-CIAs pull up to the building, the Geniuses get another Lairdorola message. Their partner is searching for a plaque located out on the ledge of the 22nd floor. They can see it from the ground, but it can only be read from the ledge. There have been one game-inhibiting and two game-ending injuries so far. I don't think the producers are going to be happy until they kill someone off. Anyway, if the teammate is afraid of heights one of them will have to go as a replacement.
Lieutenant Francis then happily was thankful that Ensign Charles is not afraid of heights. Afraid of asking girls out, sure. Afraid of jocks giving him wedgies, absolutely. But he laughs at heights.
As soon as he is beamed up to the 22nd floor, Chuck gets a message. "A bird of peace holds the code to this door. If your credit had wings you'd find the answer for sure."
He pulled out his Visa card and used the security code on back to key in the code on the lock and it lets him into the room.
The Ex-CIAs arrived, and Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) was the one sent up.
Captain Sam and Lieutenant Francis went outside and tried to make out the 22nd floor, and upstairs Ensign Chuckles took a look out the window he'd be exiting through and said it was going to be sweet. Francis Motorolaed him and told him the thing he was looking for was on the ledge and that he would have to go outside, something I'm sure may have escaped Charles' notice what with all the harness gear laying around and the people behind the camera who were there to make sure he was safe. What's really odd, and maybe it was the harnesses, but everyone was wearing them underneath their shirts with a cord sticking out. Are we supposed to believe they were really risking their lives to do this?
In the hallway outside, Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) didn't have the Visa card on him, that was with Double-0 Jacob (licensed to thrill). He had to decide whether he was going to go back downstairs or stay. Or, I don't know, use your cellphone to call Oh-Oh-Jake to get the code?
When Chuck got out on the ledge and I saw the safety cable go out and up, I really wanted someone to jump. Fall would be fun, but jump would be amazing. As long as they didn't get hurt. He was surprised how far up he was, and that the guys below looked like ants. Can we please find a new simile for people appearing to be very tiny now? No, I'm not going to do it right now. I have a recap to get through.
The Southies and Air Force arrived at the building, and the two ground-dwelling Geniuses did their best to hide behind a potted plant so they wouldn't be spotted. Really.
John Southie was chosen to go up, which was ironic given that his teammates are firefighters and are likely quite used to heights. For the Air Force it was Manbot2.
They got to the 22nd floor and Manbot2 tried out his Visa, letting himself in with John Southie opening the door and going in first. This meant that Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) would go from being the second one to the door to the fourth one out the window. Really, to be fair who would have thought they would need their Visa cards? "To get your next clue, you must go to the top of this building and shop!"
Matthew Southie told Womanbot they were going outside, which pissed off Marty No Pants who told him to stop talking to her. In the open air, he told Matthew that if doesn't keep his mouth shut he's going to knock him out. I understand the reasoning, but I didn't like the fighting. This was a side of our Boys I hadn't seen before, but like they said, there was a lot of frustration and long hours built up.
Ensign Charles was up on the ledge and his two senior officers had a pair of binoculars to help them find the plaque. What make of binoculars? We don't know because nobody ponied up the cash to get their name mentioned. Hey, Bushnell! This is your chance to get yourselves noticed!
There was an incredible shot of Charles pressed against the building on the ledge, but I don't have a copy of this show in a format that will let me take a screenshot, so instead I have the above picture of silent movie legend Harold Lloyd from his classic film, Safety Last!
The guys inside couldn't believe they were going to do that, and Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) told us he is scared of heights. Unless he has to hang from a helicopter while chasing down Jaws and Oddjob.
Chuck was going fast on the ledge and almost fell at one point, so he had to slow down. He got safely to the plaque though and had to get down to read it. "Founders Hall. Girard." Francis said he knew where they were going, so they headed back to the building for the junior officer and he was saying that he knew where Gerard is, that the others would think it's a name but it's an avenue. Not to get picky here, but it's the name of an avenue, so they'd still be right. Now if he said "name of a person", then it wouldn't have sounded so silly.
Double-0 Jacob (licensed to thrill) got on the phone and started giving Oh-Oh-Todd directions, but Todd said no. That's when the other two found out what happened with the locked door and the missing Visa card and they weren't happy to find out they just went from second to last.
After the commercial break Lieutenant Francis was still saying the other teams would think Gerard is a name instead of an avenue, making me want to smack him and tell him that it's still a friggin' name! But I calmed down when I realized that usually on these shows if someone is this positive about something, they're probably wrong and will get horribly lost.
Manbot2 got out on the ledge and that's when he realized he didn't have the gyro-stabilizers he thought he did and his self-preservation subroutine kicked in, giving him an approximation of "scared of heights".
On the ground, Manbot1 was uploading directions and calm-inducing programming, while Womanbot said to the surrounding traffic, "Cars! Quiet!" If only her database included the information that even though many of today's cars have computers, none of them are advanced enough to take audible commands like that. Manbot1 made it to the plaque, and they were soon off to the next location.
As John Southie was preparing for his ledge walk and the Air Force was exchanging newly acquired data, the Ex-CIAs weren't looking too happy about being in last place over something that couldn't even be called a screw-up. Who knew they would need the Visa cards for this?
The Carship Geniuses was either on Girard or heading to Girard or something. Captain Sam was concerned, but his first officer was confident they were doing the right thing. Mutiny almost broke out as the two of them started getting snippy and shouty with each other.
John standing on the ledge looked like an action hero. All handsome and windblown and risking his life. However, when he talked about how he would crap himself if he falls, well, that wasn't so action hero-like. Marty No Pants thought it was funny that he's the one with a dangerous job as a fireman, but John was the one up on the building. If you haven't read John's bio, he's a mortgage broker. The most dangerous thing he faces at work is escrow. He made though. He had to. That face should not be hitting pavement.
One of the funniest moments of the series to date was with two of the Ex-CIAs sitting downstairs listening to Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) talk over the phone and say, "I hope I don't get dizzy with this sinus infection and fall off. That's gonna suck." It was a cross between seeing them sit there and Todd's delivery being enhanced by the radio-like quality of the sound over the phone that made this quite hilarious, despite having a sinus infection mixed with a fear of heights that makes what he's about to do not so funny.
Before we find out if he makes it, we pay a visit to the Southies in their vehicle and they talk about how right now it's about hoping they have the right directions while another team has the wrong ones.
The Air Force contestabots have been fixed since the whole not mentioning Motorola scare of Twenty Aught Six, and they dutifully mention Ask.com as they search for directions to their next location and Manbot2 found Girard College.
Back to the Carship, we get the graphic I've been expecting to see...
Geniuses
Lost
Ensign Charles said they don't have a clue as to where they're going on Girard (the avenue with a name that's not a name), and Captain Sam basically repeated that by saying that once they get on Girard, they don't have any clue as to which direction to go. I love when this happens to teams in their own towns!
Back on the ledge, Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) not only has to deal with his fear of heights and the sinus infection, he's also the biggest of the men who have done this and on a narrow ledge, that's not an advantage. He was making his way around but was doing so very slowly. He said that was one of the scariest things he's ever done, so obviously he's never made sweet love to me. You'd think I'd know if this has ever happened, but one night in 1956 I started drinking some tequila and I don't remember anything else until 1993. That may have been my longest bender, but my best was still in 1928 when Al Capone and I were... Oh, never mind. All you want to know is that Todd made it to the plaque. Let's see him try it again with a gut full of bathtub gin!
The Southies weren't too sure of where they were going, so they did something really incredible. They stopped for directions. I know that's a stereotype for guys, but it's still pretty impressive to see it happen. The one guy they found knew where Founders Hall was and was able to send them on their way in the right direction.
Team Air Force were the first to find Founders Hall (Francis, with all your "I'm from Philly talk" and your commanding lead leaving the previous building), and they were the first to hear from Professor Laird. He talked about Stephen Girard and how without his lending the country money, the U.S. might have lost the War of 1812. That depends on your standpoint, of course. From Canada's standpoint, you guys lost and we kicked your butt! Try to take over our country, eh? Disagreements aside, Laird hasn't been allowed to show much in the say of personality so far due to the nature of his Motorola visits, but a little bit of his true Lairdness shone through when he said if they had "lost" (you lost!) he might be speaking to them with an English accent, gov'nor. There are two dozen rooms in the building, he continued, and some of them have secret entrances. They might not have to search them all though, because the code that opens their cryptex can be found in more than one location. They'll have to hurry though, because for one team the hunt will end here.
The contestabots went in and started searching for a clue. They found their way into a basement through tunnels. In one corner they found a pile of what appeared to be relics including a shipping log of Stephen Girard's and a model ship. This gets them calculating that a seven-letter ship name may be the answer to the cryptex, which they took with them as they headed back upstairs.
You know I've got me some Southie love, and I've got the restraining orders to prove it. They had to share top spot in my heart with the Miss USAs for cheering on in the game for quite a while, but they were the first and due to a bad production decision, they will be the last team I cheer for. We get on great at the Southie's message board and as much as I drool over John, Martin and Matthew are great guys too (and pretty damned sexy). However, if they ever scare me like they did in this next part again, I will have to hunt them down and smack them upside their heads myself.
The cameras were a distance away, so I'm not sure which of the twins were driving but the one in the back mentioned to pull into a spot and the other one snapped, "Shut up! Don't tell me what to do!"
As they were getting out of the truck, "Let's go! Let's go!" was called out and one of them said, "Shut up, I'll go when I'm ready! Don't tell me what to do."
Some pushing started that John very quickly got between, and he shouted to the twins to both shut up. Insults were being thrown, swears were being beeped, and John kept shouting at them each to shut up.
Shut up!
SHUT UP!
There were moves towards physical contact, but John kept preventing this from happening and he kept wanting them to shut up and stop fighting. As he mentioned in an interview, they had a great chance of making the final three and he's busy trying to break up a fist fight. He was with one of the twins telling him to just end it, or does he want to go home and end it, while the other twin was walking off down the lawn away from the building.
Boys! Don't make me pull this recap over! I'll turn it right around if I have to!
After the commercials John was still trying to get the guys to end the fight when we went to see how the Ex-CIAs were doing and they seemed to have found their location online. The crew of the Carship Geniuses finally found Girard Avenue and from there spotted Founders Hall just around the same time the Ex-Spooks were arriving.
John Southie convinced one of the twins (sorry guys, I can tell you apart close up now but from a distance, not so much) to apologize, and that Mullen boy said his brother is lucky he doesn't get five knuckles. John tried to the mood by saying when it's over, they can all fight each other, but unfortunately he didn't say if a wading pool full of pudding would be involved. John's my hero now as he was able to get them back together and into the building before the last two teams arrived, though it looked like it wasn't by much. Ooooh, that editing is a tricky business I tell you.
The Air Force was still inside searching for seven-letter ship names, which makes this one of the closest finishes for a while because a lucky guess or find and any one of these teams could now be eliminated.
Manbot2 went to examine a large painting when Womanbot ordered him not to touch it, so they continued looking around.
The Ex-CIAs were running around and Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) wanted to take a look at one of the ship models but his team kept running so he went with them pointing out there was a boat that they just passed.
Even the Geniuses were moving with as much speed as they could muster and they tried out the ship names.
Double-0 Todd (licensed to... oh, forget it, I ran this bit into the ground last recap) kept saying there was something about the boat in the model case, and his teammates replied that's not it. Silly teammates.
In a big empty hall, one of the Manbots asked his team if they tried "Freedom", then Womanbot asked if they tried "Liberty". As Manbot1 tried that last word, the codex started to ship and sure enough that was was magic word. The clue inside said "Library of Congress", so expect to hear a lot of shushing next week. Shhhh! That's one of the final three teams, two more to go. Laird called and instructed them to recharge at "the camp", which at this point could be another bed and breakfast, a hotel, or a luxury yacht for crying out loud. Why can't it be like that when I go camping?
The Ex-CIAs weren't having much luck, so Double-0 Todd finally to go check out the name of the ship, the one the Geniuses were at this point examining. It didn't work and as they were leaving it the Ex-Spooks were coming down the stairs towards it, leading to an awkward passing on the staircase.
In what appeared to be the same empty hall the Air Force just left, the Southies stopped searching and decided to try some logical attempts at what the word could be. The brainstorming brought up "Liberty Bell", so when John put in "Liberty" it worked and all the fighting was finally over as they had something to celebrate. More importantly, it was cause for an interview with a happy John in close-up.
We now have two of the final three. Only one team left to go.
Team Geniuses came to the same painting the Air Force didn't touch and proceded to completely ignore the Prime Directive by messing with our historic culture and they discovered that it was also a door with a hidden room behind it.
The Ex-CIAs came to the painting too, but Double-0 Jacob didn't thing that was it so they left.
The hidden room appeared to be full of archives and a lot of models of ships so the Geniuses started looking for seven-letter ship names.
In a not-so-hidden room the Ex-CIAs were back at the ship model that first grabbed Double-0 Todd's attention and Double-0 Jacob noted that the map on the wall was an 1811 map of Philadelphia and so they looked for seven-letter words on there.
This was getting tense as Ensign Charles was trying "Liberty" from a model ship just as Double-0 Todd was trying it from the map.
Chuck got his cryptex open first, and we now have our final three.
But what's this? The Ex-CIAs opened their cryptex, pulled out the clue and started looking at it. They were very happy about this and started high-fiving each other. Oh?
The Geniuses' Motorola communicator rang and Admiral Laird made it official, they were indeed one of the final three teams.
As for the Ex-CIAs, their celebration was a little premature as L informed them that they are the seventh team and final team to be eliminated, but they were close to making it.
This was the most confused that we've seen a team, and understandably so. It wasn't like there was only three artifacts for four teams. They all had this clue and they had just opened their codex, so they had to assume that the Geniuses opened theirs first. For the second week in a row an elimination just didn't feel right. It must have been close for them to not get a phonecall before they opened their codex, but to see the celebration cut down like that? I didn't care for it. Something for the producers to try to avoid if there is a second season, and ooooh do I want a second season. Despite these flaws, I love this show, and it's not like this is the only show things go wrong in.
Todd, who I've really come to enjoy in the past couple of episodes now that we started seeing more of him, said it was sad to be eliminated but he had the most amazing time ever and he did things he would never do.
So that's it. One more episode next week and then the live finale on August 21st. I'm going to miss Treasure Hunters when it's over, but it'll be nice to reacquaint myself once more with my old friend, sleep. It's going to be nice to see how all these artifacts tie together in the end.
GO SOUTHIES!