Treasure Hunters - Air Date June 18

It's time for adventure, girls and boys!
Whatever you may have read in the reviews, forget it. This is a fun show. Perfect? Of course not, there are things I'd like to see changed in a second season, but dang I enjoyed the premiere.
As well as the aforementioned adventure, we got suspense, adrenaline, product placement, and the first villains of the season in the most unexpected of people. Not the kind of evil one can cheer, unfortunately, but evil never the less!
Ten teams of three competing over hidden treasure with that standard of reality gameshows, eliminations. That doesn't add up to a whole heck of a lot of episodes so it should be safe to assume that not every episode will end in an elimination.
The show starts out with a twist. There are ten teams competing, but they're split into two teams of five, one in Alaska, the other in the South Pacific (literally, they were on a ship). No, this isn't going to be an editing nightmare.
But first let's meet our host, Laird MacIntosh. Laird is a handsome man. A handsome man with a fine but odd speaking voice. I'm not sure what it is about his cadence that bothers me, but he's no Phil Keoghan or Jeff Probst. Hell, who is? If they ever perfect same-sex breeding, Phil and Jeff should totally get together and birth the ultimate host. Maybe their offspring, whom I'd like to think of as Phelff, could then mate with Laird, who is a handsome man.
Laird introduces us to the game, but more importantly he gets the duty that NBC does better than any other network's reality shows, doing product placement. Really now, who does it better? Are you going to tell me that Survivor or Big Brother can out-product place The Apprentice? I think not, my friend! And Treasure Hunters takes it to new - and at times annoying - new levels. We learn from dreamy Laird that each team will have a Motorola Razr cell phone which he will use to communicate with them (Phil puts himself in danger, damn you Hunky MacStudintosh!), a laptop computer where they can access Ask.com (and as we learn later without a cool graphic, Orbitz.com and realivision.blogspot.com (no, not really, but next season they totally should)), and a Visa card to use with the laptop to pay for porn downloads. Or to pay for transportation. One of those two things.
The product placement doesn't end there. Every other time, except for one, we see Laird, it's either on a Motorola screen or on a faux Motorola screen whipped up by the graphics department. Like I said, product placement at annoying levels. If you learn to tune it out, the show is very fun.
Before I get on to the actual game, I'd like to point something out. "Laird" is Scottish for "Lord". So Laird MacIntosh is actually Lord MacIntosh. Now bow down, peasants and bring him tribute!
In both locations we first see the teams standing around televisions watching Laird talk to them. Watching him and falling in love. When he's finished yammering away, the very first clue of the game starts. Morse code, baby!
... . -..- -- . ..- .--. .-.. .- .. .-. -..
Yes, that says something. First person to decode it wins an imaginary Realivision t-shirt.
Somewhere on the ship in the South Pacific and in the mining camp in Alaska are books that will help the players decode the code and find their next location, and until they do they can not leave. I'm sure eventually they could, but I love to imagine that some team is still stuck on the USS Jefferson swabbing decks because they've never been able to solve the code.
Eventually every team gets it, some faster than others, yada yada yada. There really isn't much to talk about on this part of the competition. Alaska was fine but all the drama was happening on the ship. Once they got the code, teams had to throw off their gear packed up in waterproof bags and jump in to the sea after them then swim to their boats. What I loved about this is at times it looked like people were throwing their bags right onto their teammates. Maybe they didn't, but it looked like that. Head trauma on the high seas! How thrilling would that be? We also got Keith from Team Brown who had spent a total of three weeks previous to this swimming, so he had to wear a life preserver and struggle to swim to the boat. I felt for him here 'cause damn, that has to be scary. He made it to the boat, alright. Head trauma? Fun for the whole family. Drowning? Not so much.
Speaking of Team Brown, let's take a moment to meet our fine teams. You'll notice I haven't used a whole lot of names so far. Thirty people are a lot to get to know in the space of two hours. In the order presented on NBC.com...
Young Professionals - Smart and reasonably fit. This early in the season with this many people to meet, sadly that's all I've got to say about them.
Geniuses - Smart (d'uh) and not so reasonably fit. Except for the "extreme Eagle Scout" who is also the most annoying member of the team. They did one evil act in this episode, which leaves them far behind the most evil team in the game. We'll get to that later.
Team Brown - Okay, so they're not going to win any foot races but a likeable group of brothers, a team one wants to see do well.
Southie Boys! - We got the interview with John, so that alone made me cheer for them before the show even started! They didn't let me down, for what little we saw of John, Martin, and Matthew they seemed like good guys. And easy on the eyes. Get out of my sight, Laird! Now I have John! Yes, he's somewhat on the attractive side so expect some swooning each week. Sorry about that. Don't get me wrong, Martin and Matthew! You'd make a delicious twin sandwich!
Miss USA - They made me laugh out loud when they talked about saving their womanly wiles (though not quite in those words) until later in the game. You go, girls!
Ex-CIA - They used to work for the CIA, and look like they'll be doing well. We really didn't see too much of them.
Grad Students - Hit with evil twice, as I'll be getting to.
Air Force - Probably the fittest of the teams.
Fogal Family - A pastor with his wife and daughter. The most evil pastor this side of Pat Robertson. More on this to come.
Wild Hanlons - "Texas style!" I'm torn on them. Hearing "Texas style!" shouted repeatedly will wear thin very quickly. Heck, it's already worn thin. However, entrepeneur Pat has the finest mullet seen on television since Dog the Bounty Hunter. I weep with joy at the thought of his mullet and shudder at the thought of seeing it gone. Long may they stay in the game.
Enough of that though, we're here for the game. After Morse Code Mania, the Alaskan teams then had to go to a glacier to get their next clue which was encased in a block of ice with the words "Stillwater Washington" carved on front. That trip alone would have made the whole thing worth it for me. There was some truly beautiful ice, and to get to enjoy it while it's still there would have been memorable. In the ice was a map of the general area, and the teams had to use the clue to find where on the map they had to go, which turned out to be Lake George.
Once they were at the lake, they had to find artifacts that were buried under any of several piles of rocks known as cairns, or piles of rock to the rest of the world. Seriously, a true cairn is a beautiful arrangement of stone, like the ones they had to follow to find their engraved blocks of ice, but these were just pebbly piles. Is "pebbly" even a word?
The artifacts they had to find were metal tubes engraved with what they would need to decipher a code later one. All teams did this, with the Miss USAs getting worried they would soon be eliminated. Don't worry, gals! It's way too early in the game for that! Once they got their tubes, they were then able to each board a plane to the bustling metropolis of Lincoln, Nebraska. There is something about these flights that bothered me. We'll get to that after we check in on the South Seas players where all the evil is taking place.
Once they got off the ship, teams were then boated to a beautiful area off an incredibly lovely island, but not to shore. One member of each team had to dive down to find one of five metal cases that contained a pilot's log book. So far so good... Holy friggin' crap! The diving member of the Grad Student had her box, when suddenly she felt another hand. Pastor Fogal was stealing it from her! He opened the box and grabbed the log book, and Kat (I have it on tape just for all of you) grabbed it too, though in the end Pa Fogal won out, calling it a "sweet victory".
In these games I have no problems with lying, misdirecting, or even cancelling your opponents' cabs. That's fun evil. This was just incredibly low and dirty and one of the biggest a-hole moves I've ever seen in years of watching reality gameshows.
Enough of them though. Once the teams had their log books they then had to make their way to the island by swimming. Poor Keith. It got bad enough that they had to use a boat to get him to shore. A lifetime of never swimming in an ocean is a lot to get past in a case like this, and being a brand new swimmer doesn't help. I hope the experience as only helped to make him want to try swimming more.
Once on dear, sweet solid land, the teams then had to find their way to the remains of a crashed airplane, or at least a decent mock-up of one. Team Genius, being the perfect physical specimens that they are, were solidly in first place until Team Air Force caught up and passed them by. To make matters worse, the Geniuses went and got themselves, despite having an extreme Eagle Scout in the form of Charles on their team. Chuck's incredible sense of direction would come in handy again much later.
At the crashed airplane, the Monticello, were some crates and in those crates were yet more boxes. These boxes were locked and the only way to open them was by taking apart canes the players could find and using two pieces to form a key. In the box was a painting with a code on the other side, an artifact that they would have to take to Lincoln, Nebraska. Ooooh, I wonder what's going to happen there!
One by one they would slowly do this, but before it was over we'd be privvy to two more pieces of evil.
The Fogal's daughter, Kayte (why the Y? WHY?), had the lid of a crate fall heavily on to her hand, causing much payne (see what happens with careless use of the letter Y?) and the fear that she may have broken her hand. Not any fear for her parents though who, through the power of pastor prayer quite possibly, shut out their offspring's agony and kept working until they were able to open the crate. I'm really not liking this family.
The second evil act was perpetuated by the Geniuses this time who had pieced together a GPS out of bamboo, palm leaves, and coconut shells and found their way to the downed plane. Piecing together the key out of their +3 Walking Stick of Unlocking, they then went over and opened up the Grad Students' box, taking their painting. I'm not an advocate of violence by any means, but at this point I'm thinking the Students should get theirselves a gun and shoot the next bastard who tries to steal their clue.
It doesn't matter soon enough anyway, as they eventually get another painting and are on their way to Nebraska.
There have been a lot of comparisons of Treasure Hunters to The Amazing Race, and in some ways they're valid, but something happens here that makes me think TH could stand to learn a few things from TAR. In the Race, there are equalizing moments where a challenge takes place at a location that doesn't open up until a certain time. We get to be their and experience their frustration when this happens, but the whole thing makes sense for an exciting game and simple logistics.
When we last saw each team, they were leaving on their own individual airplane. At some point between then and Lincoln any leads a team had ceased to matter and they ended up together. I understand when this happens, but let us enjoy the disappointment!
The reason for this happening was pure game twistidgery. At the state capital building, one team was at the north entrance and the other team was at the south. They were they made to race around the building to Laird IN PERSON! Coming face to face for the first time, both sets of teams were shocked to find out they weren't one of five but one of ten. Ouch. Luckily Laird's calm, reassuring presence helped get everyone past this crushing realization.
After a little more product placement where if you listen you can make out when Laird is speaking live and when he's doing a voice over, teams were paired up in order of finishing the last challenge, so one engraved tube and one painting each.
This was the worst moment of the show for me, as the Southie Boys were teamed up with the Fogals. NO! DON'T YOU DARE TAINT THE LOVELY BOSTON BOYS WITH YOUR WICKED EVIL WAYS! If the Southies don't win the treasure, the blame rests entirely on the demonic shoulders of the Fogals as such brushes with darkness are bound to negatively affect everything one does.
Each set of teams got their own luxurious bus, but here's the rub - the bus is going the wrong way and will keep going the wrong way until the teams can piece together with what they've got where they must go. Even more deviously, there are two possible locations and the bus drivers would go to either one.
Working through the clues, each bus ends up going to Mount Rushmore. Each bus except one. Team Geniuses and Team Young Professionals decided to go to Mount Roosevelt. That can't end well. This is all about scenery and history. Of course you need to go to Rushmore! At this point it's so much harder to say "Geniuses" without a touch of sarcasm in your voice. Go ahead, try it. If you're at work, pretend you're on the phone and thanks for shirking your responsibilities to visit with Realivision. Especially for coverage of a two hour episode. If you've made it this far, you rock.
Me, I'm tired. This has been a lot of typing, so let's speed things along. The location they had to get to was indeed Mount Rushmore. It took the Geniuses and Young Professionals surprisingly long upon arriving at the wrong location to realize they were at the wrong location. They would have left earlier, but Charles was obstinate and didn't want to leave until the YPs used their Motorola Razr phones to call one of the other teams who confirmed that Mount Roosevelt was so very much the wrong place to be. Now here is a gratuitous mention of Motorola Razr phones. Motorola, my e-mail address is at the bottom of the page if you'd like to find out how to send me a free phone.
Back at Rushmore, a convoluted set of instructions had the teams searching high and low for "time capsules" with electronic locks - more boxes - which would contain their next artifact and the final one of the episode, a map. There would only be nine maps, meaning one team would be eliminated.
Somehow team after team started to find the box pile and started attempting to figure out the electronic combinations. Each team except the Geniuses and Young Professionals. Oh, and the Wild Hanlons. The Hanlons had a fool-proof plan of looking under each and every rock, twig, leaf, and garbage recepticle. Being under the shadow of Mount Rushmore, there were a hell of a lot of rocks, twigs, leaves, and garbage recepticles. Texas style doesn't seem to be getting them far. You'd think they'd be doing so much better having that extra team member, Pat's mullet. If Texas style lets you down, use the mullet power. Pat, it's up to you.
The first team to open a box was Air Force. Eh. Closely following them were the Southie Boys! Yay! I'm still worried about the residual Fogal taint, but good job so far! Speaking of the Fogals, dark clouds gather and a sulphurous pillar of fire shoots from the ground to open their box. Or they got the lock open at some point. Boooo!
Here's where Team Brown proved themselves to be good guys. After a while it was just them and the Grad Students at the box pile, the last three not yet arriving. The Grad Students opened their box first and the Browns didn't steal it from them! See, Fogals and Geniuses? This is how people play the game who don't sign pacts in blood! It didn't even cost the Browns as they got theirs open shortly after. Ha!
So how much time did the Wild Hanlons waste in their search? Despite having an incredible lead, by the time they got to the Pile O' Boxes (now available from NBC.com) the Geniuses caught up. That's bad, guys. Or was it smart? Using Team Geniuses' superior intellect to their advantage, they were able to get the code and unlock their box first. Hot diggedy dang!
Despite having helped the Hanlons, the Geniuses were having trouble unlocking their own. More precisely, Charles was having a hard time of it. Even the Vulcan Lock Pinch wasn't of any use! Damn it, Jim! They're geniuses, not locksmiths! This leaves me wondering how many episodes it will be before they stop letting Charles do anything.
The Young Professionals catch up and start working on a box themselves. This is it, pure suspense! Who will open their box first? Never mind that even if the Young Professionals open one, it's not going to have a map because the Geniuses have that box, but as we've seen there doesn't appear to be a rule against grabbing something out of someone else's hands.
It doesn't happen though, and the Geniuses get the final map despite their skinny blond handicap.
It's a flawed show, no doubt, but lots of fun. With a little tweaking this could be one of the best reality gameshows out there. Bring on episode two!