So You Think You Can Dance - Air Date June 29

Another day, another cut. As usual with the results show, we start out with a group dance. The only problem I'm having with this is that it always seems to be hip-hop. We have several more weeks left, so how about some different styles? Variety is good.
By now we know the formula. Talk to the judges, recap the last show, blah blah blah. You don't care, I don't care, all we want to see is who the bottom three couples are.
The first two couples call down are Heidi and Ryan and Ivan and Allison. Despite my feelings for Ivan in previous episodes, neither of these pairs deserve to be in the bottom three this week. Sure enough, they are safe. Ivan said he hadn't been that excited since he learned to shave last month.
Next up are Ashlee and Ben and Travis and Martha. Despite their weakest performance to date, Travis and Martha (Trartha, as we start morphing into "Brangelina" territory again) should be okay because of their popularity, and sure enough they are. But what Beshlee? Somehow they've been managing to avoid the bottom three because I suspect Ben has been sacrificing an innocent something to a dark, evil something, so will their lucky streak continue? Ah, bitter irony. Despite their strongest performance to date as a pair, Beshlee is not safe and thus will have to perform their solos. Please let me know if this Bennifering of their names gets annoying, it's just easier to type after a while.
Following them are Donyelle and Benji and Jessica and Jyawmis. It would be the upset of upsets if Donji have to dance, but of course they won't. They're safe. Jessica and Jghaemze are another story. They're not the most popular of dancers, and despite their wonderful, solid performance the previous night, they once again find themselves in the bottom three.
Cat then calls over Dmitry and Aleksandra and Musa and Natalie. Alekstry put on a beautiful waltz in the competition despite what the judges thought, and Mutalie not so much. With any other partner, Dmitry might have been safe, but it was not to be thanks to Mutalie's popularity.
So there we have our bottom three. Will Aleksandra improve on her performance from last week? Will Dmitry wear pants this time? Lucky for you there are no commercial breaks here.
Ashlee - In her element again, Ashlee put on a very nice popping performance. It didn't really wow me, but then I keep getting distracted by her hat. If you're going to dress Fosse style, dance Fosse style! Let's see some jazz hands!
To be fair, I'm going to type the rest of this recap with jazz hands goin' on.
bje-jw wa-jaaw=wgewjp3oawpws
Okay, no jazz hands. But they're great for dancing and annoying your co-workers.
Ben - Another dancer I've been hard on, he did a freestyle routine that I personally enjoyed. However, unlike Ivan he hasn't brought his performances with his partner up to a whole new competitive level. Too bad he hadn't drawn a contemporary style for any of his dances.
Jessica - Another beautiful dance from this woman. Sure, she's a longshot to win. Enough of one that I wouldn't bet on her, and I've made some stupid wagers in my life. If anyone ever bets that you won't sneak into a field at night and milk a cow, learn the difference between cows and bulls first. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them how I got my limp. As for Jessica, she's not going to win, but she doesn't deserve to go home yet.
Jaimms - Last week the graphic said "Jamyz", and now it's back to "Jaymz". Frankly this is getting ridiculous. Just change your name to "Bill" and we'll all be much happier. His performance was as tenuous as his grasp on spelling. This definitely wasn't the same Jhyeeamz that blew me away the first time he had to perform a solo.
Aleksandra - Just as Jameeyz's solo went downhill, Aleksandra's was a massive improvement over her previous effort. She put a lot of heart into it this time and it showed.
Dmitry - He lost the man-dress from last week and this time around wore pants and an open shirt, and his performance caused cold showers and "private time" to break out across the continent. Sexy and powerful, the only reason he's made it to the bottom three for two weeks in a row is the partners he's had.
The judges were sent to the back and we got treated to a song by Natasha Bedingfield. Either she sang live, or she's a much, MUCH better lipsyncher than whatshername from last week. It was an enjoyable song, but I'd still prefer that time be spent with dancing. If I want singing, I'll turn on the camera in my neighbour's shower.
Legal disclaimer: I don't have a camera in anyone's shower, not even Laird Macintosh's.
After the commercials it's time to send someone packing. First the women. Nigel calls Ashlee forward, gives her some nice words, and tells her she's safe. So it's down to the other two. Giving each criticism, he not only praises Aleksandra's solo this night but apologizing for calling her the "Corpse Bride" after her waltz. That was a nice thing to do before cutting her from the competition.
Then it's the men's turn. He calls Dmitry forward and tells him he's safe, like anyone expected otherwise. With just Ben and Jieahemes left, Nigel asks Ben how much preparation he put into his dance. After Ben replies "zero", Nigel starts to chastise him when the audience, whose booing at the slightest criticism is frankly quite annoying, starts to moan but Nigel then cuts them off beautifully saying that zero preparing isn't something to be proud of. He then asks Juaemze how much preparation he did, and his reply was "some". This set Nigel off in one of the most beautiful rants ever where he lectured the two men, the rest of the dancers, and the audience on the importance of actually putting time and effort in when you are dancing for your life. How's the cool way to say it? Wicked awesome?
After this shining moment of television greatness, it was a bit anti-climatic when Ben was sent home, which really was the only choice considering how sub-par his performances have been.
So for two weeks in a row now, Dmitry gets a new partner, this time in Ashlee. Dmishlee? Ashtry? This may seem like an odd pairing, but so did Benji and Donyelle and look at how phenomenal they are. I'm looking forward to seeing how this new couple works together.

So You Think You Can Dance - Air Date June 28

"Tabby, when are you going to update Dance?"
"Tabby, it's been a day now, what happened on SYTYCD?"
"Tabby, it's day two now! We're starved for info and two people have already gone!"
"Tabby, what's a 'Wild Hanlon'? And we need to know if any dancers performed one!"
Alright already, here's the goshdarned coverage! See? You made me swear. My mother is reading this!
It's week three of the elimination and we've lost four dancers so far, but yet the show is still two hours. You know what that means... filler, and lots of it.
The show starts off as usual with Cat talking to the judges - all four of them - in a little previously worked out patter as they reminisce on dancers who never made it through the auditions but made enough of an impression to have video of their performances all queued up and ready to play. You didn't read me wrong either, this week we have four judges: Nigel Lythgoe, Mary Murphy, and the hip-hop choreography team of Cicely and Olisa who share a liver so they can never be apart from each other.
After this further humiliation of rejected dancers who thought those wounds had closed and Ian Benardo, and a whole bunch of behind the scenes video which actually is interesting to watch so no complaints about that, we were treated to special guest dancers performing the lindy hop - Hop, Swing and a Jump who did a joyous, fun routine, which confused competitor Aleksandra who seems to be on the edge of tears at all times.
Five hours later, we finally get to the competition itself. Will Travis, Martha, Benji, and Donyelle continue their domination? Will Heidi keep wowing us with her continued improvement? Will Ben and Ashlee finally perform a routine that's not bottom three material? Will Ivan hit puberty?
Ashlee and Ben (Hip-Hop) - Finally showing some life, this couple gave us their best performance together yet. That being said, it still wasn't a great one. Somehow they've managed to miss the bottom three two weeks straight despite deserving to be there, and unless other couples really blow it, they could well be earning that spot again. Ashlee was fantastic, but Ben was merely good.
Heidi and Ryan (Cuban Rumba) - WOW! Excuse me while I take a cold shower... WOW! This couple was hot and steamy! Heidi built on her momentum from her solo last week, and Ryan really brought his best game! I need to go take another cold shower...
Dmitry and Aleksandra (Waltz) - Dancing to a beautiful Kenny Rogers song... Okay, let's get it over with. It was Kenny Rogers and the song was indeed beautiful, damn it. Say what you want about the man, but he's got a voice and it ached with longing in this piece. Now as to the dancers, this is where my complete lack of dance training comes in, because I thought it was gorgeous and moving while the judges didn't care for Aleksandra's part of it at all. If these two land in the bottom three again, I can see her going home.
Ivan and Allison (Argentine Tango) - I've been less than kind to Ivan the past two weeks, but damn, he made me eat my words with this performance. It made me very happy to see that he was wearing a hat that covered a large part of his face, because normally thinking of him as sexy would make me feel like Mary Kay Letourneau. If I ever see him running a lemonade stand, I'll be sure to let him know he proved me wrong. This couple worked hard and deserve not to be in the bottom three this week.
Donyelle and Benji (Pop Jazz) - Do these two even have a bad performance in them? If somehow neither of them wins the competition, they need to tour together because I know I'll pay money to see them dance. The judges commented on their chemistry, and they do have that in spades.
Natalie and Musa (Quick Step) - There is little to not like the pair, but the only way they should not be in the bottom three is if that likability translates into votes. This dance just didn't cut it, especially with all the wonderful performances we've seen so far.
Jessica and Jehaymyz (Contemporary) - This dance had the best start of any we've seen yet as they started slightly off-stage and used the whole stage for their choreography, and it kept going as a lovely performance to watch. If they land in the bottom three, it's only because Jessica might still be having trouble connecting to the viewers and everyone's still annoyed with how Jeihmes spells his name.
Travis and Martha (Hip-Hop) - In one of the most surprising performances of the night, this couple didn't blow us away. Dare I say it? This might even have been a bottom three performance. Not because it sucked, but because these two are capable of so much better. If they do land in that precarious spot, I feel bad for the other bottom two because there is no way either of these dancers is going home. I did love when Travis cut off the people booing Nigel's criticism because he agreed with him wholeheartedly. That is someone who is going to work his butt off to get back to the front of the pack and I can't wait to see his next dance.

Last Comic Standing - Air Date June 28

Alright, let's get this over with. I've been laughing too much lately, so it's time to cover the latest episode of Last Comic Standing.
Coming back to the Queen Mary, Michele Balan surprised everyone when she walked through the door. Clearly they were expecting Stella. Zing. Michele took her return as giving others reason to think twice before nominating her again, but that's just silly. It just means she wasn't the worst. When she mentioned that she won with 83% of the vote though, people started sweating. Or that could have just been the heat.
Terrific Tabby Tip: Do you find it hard to sleep at night when the weather is unbearably hot? Do you toss and turn, unable to get comfortable as your bedding gets increasingly squishy with each passing second and every litre of sweat? Try putting your pillow into your freezer as many hours as possible before bedtime! Before you know it, you'll be drifting off to slumberland! Tell the Sandman your good friend Tabby sent you, and I'll see you in your dreams! Just don't make them dirty dreams, you perv. I'm a good girl, I'll have you know.
Call me.
The comics were treated to a special Moroccan dinner with entertainment provided by twin bellydancers and their snakes because nothing says "comedy show" like bellydancers and pythons. They seemed to have a good time, and my sources tell me Josh Blue is seeking treatment because his erection still hasn't subsided.
Now if you had read Realivision's coverage of the last episode of Treasure Hunters, and if you haven't you'll make the entire staff cry, you will know we are huge fans of waking of contestants in the middle of the night for a challenge, and for the second night in a row NBC came through for us. At 2:30 in the morning, a time most comedians start thinking it may be time to go to bed, our plucky gang was awoken and given an hour to get ready to go to their next task. We didn't get to see how rough everyone looked, but we did get to discover that Josh apparently sleeps with a slide whistle.
Piled into their short bus, they comics went for a long ride. Seriously, they left at 3:30 and were arriving in the city at 5:30. Two hours in a short bus with an unshowered Joey Gay.
Excuse me.
Sorry, my lawyers just informed me that I should point out that I don't have any evidence that Joey didn't have a shower, but just picked him because he was the funniest choice. Way to bring down the punchline, lawyers.
Where was the ultimate destination for this Road Trip From Hell? Why, at a radio station! Not just any radio station either, but one that employs that master of subtle, understated comedy - Adam Carolla. We don't know what the challenge will be yet, but don't be surprised if it involves women on trampolines.
Mr. Carolla, sir, then tells the comics what the challenge is - they each going to have one minute to perform an original comedy routine based on magazines that are sealed up in envelopes. Oooooh! I like this idea! There may not be any laughs, but it'll be torture to the comedians! After all the contestants finish, it would be up to Mr. Carolla, sir, to choose the winner who would then have immunity and a week free of having to perform in the head-to-head.
First up was Roz, who got Astrology, Numerology & Hot Sex. Really? There's a magazine with that name? I'm going to try to get you links to these publications, but I had no luck with this one. Roz decided to concentrate on the hot sex portion of the periodical and instead of being funny, talked dirty. Ha ha?
Next was Gabriel Iglesias who had picked Agriculture Today. He too eschewed comedy in favour of trying something different and edgy - cartoon voices. I'll give him this, he does great cartoon voices and the animation voicework business is a great one. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to do well there.
Chris Porter got stuck with Latina Wedding, the only magazine not in English, but not the only one I can't track down online. Was his bit funny? Does the image of Roz talking dirty to Gabriel while he's doing cartoon voices arouse you?
Ty Barnett had Hot Rods Today, and do any of these magazines still exist? I couldn't find a link to this one either. Sorry to stereotype here, but now we have a guy with a hot rod magazine. Surely he could find something funny! He did get a line in about a stripper pole and a Starbucks in a Geo Metro that was humourous. So far that puts him in the lead.
Michele Barnett then has to make Sparring Magazine funny, while I continue my own personal quest to find websites that feature these publications. At this rate I may be headed to the head-to-head. So might Michele, based on what we saw of her bit.
Josh Blue lucked into Weapons of Death. How can you miss with that! He did, but started getting laughs when he launched into how the competition sucks. Now we're talking! The funniest one yet!
Bil Dwyer got the unfortunately named ssCat periodical that was about cats and not, well, scat. That's good. So was his set, putting him into a commanding lead. Really!
Joey Gay was saddled with Farming Journal. See, he mentioned saddles and I said he was saddled with the magazine! He also mentioned tools, and all I could think of when I heard "tools" was Joey Gay. For something more interesting than his bit, may I point out I found a Farm Journal and a Farming Magazine, but no Farming Journal.
Kristen Key then came on to talk about Modern Knitting, another magazine doing so well it can't afford a website. She killed, having easily the best set of the morning. And even though she ran short, coming to and end around 47 seconds, this should be a cakewalk, especially considering the last to perform would be...
Rebecca Corry with Beefcake magazine. Not wanting to go for laughs yet in the competition, she gave lessons on how to avoid blowing out your ass while lifting weights. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! Agriculture Today is the only publication used that has a website! Let's give them a hand!
As for who gets immunity, let us not forget who is judging this. Kristen Key got the best laugh, who was at the top of the list but was because she ran short didn't get awarded the win. Adam Carolla, you are a bastard, sir. If I were a man I'd slap your face and demand to meet you at dawn where we would settle this matter with pistols.
Instead it comes down to Bil Dwyer and somehow Rebecca Corry. You think you know where this is going, but Adam Carolla doesn't play it that way, beyotch! No, in the luckiest day of her life, Rebecca Corry wins the challenge, the immunity, and one more week in the competition! Things haven't been this messed up and wrong since that weekend I spent with Charlie Sheen.
Later on the boat, the comics are playing football on the deck when they decide it's much funnier to play crotchball. Or two of them, anyway, as we only saw Josh (the pitcher) play with Kristen (the catcher). Now I understand that getting hit in the testicles hurts like hell, but not having any doesn't make the area numb and pain-free as Kristen will gladly attest. At least we know what she'll do for physical comedy.
And fast forward past some stuff with Rebecca enjoying her reprieve and some other stuff that isn't important, we get to the nominations.
Rebecca is funnier than... Joey Gay. That one's a tough call.
Joey is funnier than... Bil Dwyer.
Ty is funnier than... Bil Dwyer.
Chris is funnier than... Kristen Key. Oh. I wasn't expecting that.
Roz is funnier than... Michele Balan.
Josh is funnier than... Gabriel Iglesias.
Kristen is funnier than... Chris Porter. Wow. What have we not seen happening between these two?
Michele is funnier than... Joey Gay.
Bil is funnier than... Michele Balan. It's really hard to pull off alliances in a show like this, and as a result you get votes all over the place. It does make for a nice change of pace.
Gabriel does his weiner move again and pulls out a name... Chris Porter!
A four way tie! Wow! As a result, four people will now be going to the head-to-head-to-head-to-head! Chris, Michele, Joey, and Bil, two will stay, two will go. Chris has been funny again in the past couple of weeks, so he should be safe, but the other three? This one could go any number of ways. Okay, any one of three ways.
First to perform was Joey, who actually made me chuckle when he talked about his name , and deciding against "Joey Lesbian". But he's still more loud than funny, but it was the first time I've got any enjoyment from him at all.
Next was Chris. Thankfully he avoided the French-bashing jokes in favour of funny, funny stuff. There's no way he's going home.
Then it was Bil's turn, and he started off with the same Armenian joke we've heard from him through the process, but with more time we got to hear more of his material. It was okay. Nice enough. He's going home though. When Joey Gay gets more laughs than you, you're toast.
Finally it was Michele's second go at the head-to-head, and she was hilarious! Look through the archives and you'll see that I've always liked her and I wanted her to show me my instincts were right, and she did. Better than last week, she could actually be competition for Chris Porter. But it's all in the hands of the audience.
The first comic eliminated was Bil Dwyer. No surprise as it was obvious he was getting the fewest laughs.
Then Chris Porter was announced as the Capital One Audience Favourite with 52% of the vote.
Now we were down to two. Joey Gay vs. Michele Balan. Did the audience remember who was funnier or was a certain someone's voice still ringing in their bleeding ears?
And... Joey Gay is Joey Gone! Michele Balan survives another week!
I can't say I was unhappy with this result. Sure, Rebecca Corry dodged a bullet, but still these were good choices. Bil could now go back to his family and Joey could now return his teeth to the cartoon studio he purchased them from.
Next week will be the last head-to-head, then it'll be on to the audience voting. Unless Rebecca gets another immunity, I can't see her making it past this stage. But who will be the other to go? Tune in next Tuesday to find out.

Treasure Hunters Update from Team Miss USA's Melissa

From Team Miss USA's Melissa...

Hey Tabby,
Fun reviews! I like hearing your take on things! Don't forget to put in there that we were in first place coming out of the B&B on our way to the mine. We reached it in 2nd place because the Air Force found a sneaky way to pass us on the road about 15 minutes before we reached the location. Darn them!
How about that canoe scene...I really did want a burrito and a diet coke. We were starving! For a bunch of pageant girls, we can eat!
Also glad to hear that you like Team Miss USA. We haven't had a lot of face time yet. Stay tuned
Thanks for your support,
Melissa

If you have any questions about Team Miss USA, come join them at www.teammissusa.com!

Treasure Hunters - Air Date June 26

Now things are picking up steam!
After the last leg, the teams got to rest at a bed and breakfast in South Dakota. Brook from team Air Force let us know that they were informed that they could get their next clue at anytime from the next six hours to the next twenty four. Randomness and surprise at the start of a leg? I love it! The teams are most likely going to get very little rest or get very antsy. Either way is excellent. Most excellent indeed.
Not wanting to take any chances, the teams went to sleep wearing whatever clothes they had planned on having on the next day. After refreshing and cleansing showers, I hope.
Sure enough at 2:20 in the morning, their Motorolas ring. Yes, this is what you do to contestants! Anyone can race and solve clues on a full eight hours of sleep, but this is messing with people! Anyway, their Motorolas ring, and I say "Motorolas" because at no point are they allowed to refer to them as anything else, which made for some delightfully stilted dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I love this show. The product placement just adds a nice touch of cheese to the hearty hamburger of reality adventure show goodness. The thing is, phones ring but we see them all get on their anonymous laptops made by some company that was too cheap to cough up the dough.
A rested and assured, or possibly pre-recorded Laird MacIntosh told the contestants that they would now be following in the footsteps of Lewis and Clark (don't tell Ask.com, but I used Google to get you that link). Laird gave a brief history lesson on the famous duo, but I was too enraptured in his dreaminess to pay too much attention. I'm not saying there's a restraining order in my future, but it looks like the big winner of this show is Laird, in that he has already won my heart. The Southie Boys' John is putting up a damned good fight though. Maybe with a little more screen time, HINT HINT, PRODUCERS!
As we watched some very tired looking contestants learn this information, and yes, the Wild Hanlons look pretty damned rough without some sleep even if we didn't get to see Pat's mullet with bedhead, we found out that they would have to make their way to the Lexington Mine in Montana. There would be nine Toyota Tundras waiting outside to get them there - alright, can we just make product placement a drinking game already? The contestants would have to take a key from a table and find which truck matches their key.
This was fun enough, but not as fun as I envisioned. Sadly they didn't have to go around fitting keys into locks as each one had an alarm system, so all they had to do was press a button until they found the one it affected. The last team to leave the B&B was of course the Wild Hanlons, and they were also the only ones to set off the alarm on their truck. And this was just the start of the show. The way they argued over directions while driving it's amazing that they managed to get anywhere. But dang, they're still loads of fun to watch.
At the mine, teams had to find their way to their next clue that would be in a hidden chamber some 10,000 feet in the mine, and they could all go in or send just two team members down to search for the clue thanks to it being, well, a mine with some cramped tunnels. Once there, they would find a bucket with the words "bend the light" carved on it and a lens stuck to the bottom, all of this surrounded by a whole lot of presumably non-poisonous snakes. That job we'll leave to the Fogal family.
Speaking of the Fogals, and you knew we would be, you'd think descending into the dark bowels of the earth to a serpent-filled cavern would be second nature to them, wouldn't you? Maybe it was the lack of brimstone in the air, but Ma Fogal was quite scared of the snakes. I guess their Dark Lord makes his home in some other dank cave.
Does it speak volumes of my nerdish qualities that I find science interesting and often fun, and so as soon as I saw "bend the light" I immediately thought of refraction? I'd be awesome for this task! It wasn't a camera lens at the bottom of the bucket, so my hideously trollish features wouldn't even break it!
So the secret was to fill the bucket with water, and thanks to it counteracting the lens, the teams would be able to read what was written at the bottom. Wood Bottom, Missouri River, Montana would be their next destination, 150 miles away. There they would canoe over 20 miles, but here's the catch, the boats had to be in the water by dusk (5:30pm) or they would have to wait to dawn. Ah, sweet equalization moments. Let's just hope we get to see it this time, as the frustration is half the fun.
The Fogals then found the clue, prompting Ma Fogal to say, "Thank you, Jesus," which in turn prompted Jesus to say, "Hey, leave me out of your shenannigans, lady!"
Now it was the Miss USAs' turn to find out just how mean that team could be, but in the nicest way of anyone yet as they just left them "in the dust." Word of advice, ladies, don't trust the Fogals. I know by now it's too late, but I really hope you found out during the show.
One by one the other teams started to find the clue, some getting amusingly sidetracked. The Southie Boys, and you know I love them, appeared to have decided to take up mining. However, it turned out they never needed to find it anyway as they made a deal with Team Brown and got the clue from them.
The Wild Hanlons. Ah. One thing you can guarantee is that this team will never miss a clue as they look under and around everything and will write down every number or letter they see. You can't even blame it on Pat, who, due to safety reasons, had to keep the mullet outside in open air. Here's what happened here... While the other teams got the clue and were making their way to Wood Bottom, the Hanlons were still in the mine. For eleven hours they were in the mine! News teams from all the major media started arriving and a candlelight vigil was being organized outside. Sting made an appearance and organized an impromptu concert to raise funds for the Hanlon Two. Rescue rabbits were equipped with safety gear and made to burrow their way in to find our lost heroes.
Seriously, Pat was very worried about his brother and son, and who can blame him. But with all the camera and sound people and communication gear the crew would have, he would have heard if anything had happened. We make fun here, but I felt for his concern and the frustration his family members must surely be feeling.
Over at Wood Bottom, Team Air Force arrived first only to find that they arrived ten minutes too late to launch the boats. Ah, sweet disappointment! Not theirs, but this moment in these shows where people get to play catch-up. It's always good television. The Fogals arrived second, and the Miss USAs were very pleased to find out that they had arrived third, followed by the Grads then the Geniuses (who didn't earn any sarcastic inflections this episode), Ex-CIA, the Southies, and Team Brown.
After finding out about Keith's inevitable and understandable concern about going in a canoe the next day, the teams found out about the Hanlon Two being lost in the mine. Cut back now to above paragraphs, because I'm not editing this the same way as the Treasure Hunter crew is editing the show.
When the Hanlon Two finally made their way out of the mine after finding the clue, the reunion was genuine and sweet, and they made their way to the camp at Wood Bottom to get the two hours of sleep they dearly needed.
Transitioning to the next morning, we got scenes of the teams getting ready when a phone rang out, and one of the Geniuses got the priviledge of saying, "Hey guys, we've got a Motorola message." Really, who says that?
After more history from Laird, he tells the teams they would have to canoe 20 miles, and along the way they will see 14 stars, and 40 paces behind the 14th star they will find their next clue. He neglects to tell them that the stars are red, and that along the way they will have to battle communists in a re-enactment of the Patrick Swayze motion picture classic, Red Dawn. Well, the stars were red. What followed that may have been my overactive imagination.
The canoeing at first went relatively well, though John (JOHN! Boating safety always comes first!) almost capsized the Southie Boys' boat.
Team Brown seemed to be doing okay, they had a good method going, then suddenly Keith lost his balance, and this boat did capsize. This wasn't looking good for them, and for this being the second time something like this has happened to Keith in the show so far, it was looking downright bad for them. I like these guys and really want them to stay. Even moreso, I really hope Keith goes from here to attempt to overcome his fears and spend more time in and around water.
What's also troubling for the Browns, the Wild Hanlons are starting to get ready to start their journey, and Ben has spent a lot of time canoeing. Not that the others would listen to him.
Back to the front-runners, teams were finding themselves at a point where they would have to get out of the water and portage (carry their canoes) for a while, causing Air Force to ask, "How is Miss USA going to portage their boat?"
In a seemingly random moment, we cut to the Miss USAs in their canoe, talking about food with a strange piece of music being played over them. The Hanlons have their twangy countrified music that's our cue to see them as hillbillies stumbling around, so I was left wondering what the producers were trying to make us think of the former pageant contestants. It was a 20 mile canoe ride, of course there's going to be small talk. We haven't seen much of the Miss USAs yet, but what we have seen, I like them already.
Back on dry land, the Southies and Fogals were getting ready to start their portages when Ma Fogal who was carrying the front of the boat told Pa Fogal she had to switch, and they immediately dropped the canoe on the foot of Kayte Fogal. They were having serious issues with this part of the task, so the Southie Boys offered... to... help... them... carry... it.
...
...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No, Southies! The Fogals are evil! EVIL I tell you! Oooooh, this is going to come back and bite them in the ass!
Pa Fogal said the Southies were awesome for helping them like that, to which one of the Southies replied, "Just remember it later."
You didn't spend much time in camp talking to the Grad Students, did you Southie Boys?
Meanwhile, the Browns talked things out and Keith agreed to try getting in the canoe again. Yes! I love when people can get past their fears! This did allow the Hanlons to catch up, but that's okay. Overcoming fears is great.
The drama wasn't over year. Pushing their canoe along, Jessica of the Grad Students stepped into a hole (possibly dug by the Fogals) and hurt her leg badly. Really badly. Kat and Melissa had to take turns moving the canoe and carrying Jessica. The obvious pain Jessica was in was heart-wrenching, but here's the thing... they never gave up! Even if they were to come in last, they were going to go down fighting. This is where I fell in love with this team. That doesn't lessen my love for my other favourite teams, but just adds one more to that list.
Team Air Force arrived at the fourteenth star first and proceded to search for the clue, and a three-way regatta of the Southies, Fogals, and Ex-CIA were coming up behind them. At this point Pa Fogal convinces the two other teams that they should all stop at the thirteen star and start digging there, just in case.
Ah, there it is. I'm glad we didn't have to wait too long for the Southies to learn their lesson when it comes to the Fogals. Sure enough, as they and Ex-CIA got out of their boats and started climbing up, the Fogals took off like bats out of hell, a seemingly appropriate comparison at this point. As you can imagine, after carrying a canoe for nine miles for them a certain Boston team wasn't too pleased by this knife in their collective backs.
The good news is that they have now introduce a new word to the lexicon - "Fogaled". Expect to see it used around these parts again.
Now I'm a fan of trickery and deceit done right, but this team isn't doing it right. When the Frat Boys cancelled the cabs of their opponents in the last Amazing Race, there was a sense of fun and mischief about it, and when their own cab didn't show up, they accepted it with good humour as karma smacking them upside the head. Not so the Fogals who are just playing one of the dirtiest games I've ever seen, and doing it with a lovely touch of hypocrisy. They're not doing it smartly either, as they've now lost any chance of getting any help from the other teams later on. Play dirty when need be, but don't turn right around and blow any alliances away. I think that's what bothers me more than anything, is that it's stupid dirty.
Anyway, Air Force managed to dig up their clue just before the Fogals arrived, but at this point it's going to be fairly easy to find as the teams aren't going to have much time to cover their tracks, so it's all about time.
What they found was the same code Lewis and Clark used back in the hood to keep their communications secret with Captain Rocket Ranger or the president or something. They would then have to find their way to their next destination, Tower Rock.
The Fogals surprisingly didn't set fire to the remaining clues, but we did get to see them try to rationalize their dirty move followed by a prayer, "God, thank you for getting us through," at which point Jesus said to God, "See? They keep trying to blame us!"
Back to the Grad Students, things aren't going well. Hunky lead medic Scott came over and tended to Jessica's injured leg. Her teammates were willing to quit the hunt for her, but she didn't want to have anything to do with that. Will she be able to go on?
Cutting to Team Air Force, they're looking at the cipher and they arrived at Tower Rock. The phone rang, and one of the men said, yes, "We've got a video message on the Motorola phone." Feel free to roll your eyes. The upside of being made to utter such obviously forced words is that they, and we, get to see more of dreamy Laird.
At Tower Rock, they have to find their next artifact, and there are only eight of them in the park, so one team's hunt will end here.
They found a wooden sign with the coded message painted on. They soon decoded it, and it said...
Follow close and to the right
Look 'neath a rock as dark as night
Byron and Shelley, eat your hearts out!
More teams arrived, and all started working on the clues. Sure enough Air Force found an artifact first, this time it being a compass. Once they found this, they were safe for the next leg and could then go and get some rest.
Dark as night? This was made with the Fogals in mind, and yes, they came in second. More and more teams found their compasses until the Geniuses found the sixth. That left two, with the Browns, Grad Students, and Wild Hanlons left to find theirs. With several more minutes of show left to come, it was far from over.
The Hanlons were the seventh team to arrive at Tower Rock, but come on, it's the Hanlons! Where's the fun in making things easy?
Despite having a cipher for the code, Pat decided to use Mullet Power to work it out, tossing out ideas such as "Australian" and tilting his head to every angle. It's hard to tell with editing, but it looked like it was at this point the Browns arrived at the fourteenth star to find that clue, and the Grad Students were nowhere to be seen, possibly not being able to forge on any more. No matter what happens, a likeable team is doomed.
Then suddenly we see Jessica on crutches with her knee wrapped up and they're at the fourteenth star clue! So they're not out of it yet! Even if they lose, wow, good job.
Thanks to some speedy film shots, it got dark very quickly and the Hanlons were walking around in the night, not yet having deciphered the clue but looking all over the place anyway. They had the cipher and there was a code, but Pat was determined that there had to be something else. Ben was tired and hungry and had enough, so before proceding any further he decided they all had to go get something to eat. Huh. How far away is the closest restaurant? Josh said it was an eighty mile round trip. During an elimination stage. Huh again. And they did go get food from a drive-through restaurant somewhere.
The Browns then arrived at Tower Rock, but in the dark they were having trouble finding the sign. Next came the Grad Students, literally carrying Jessica part way, and they found the sign first and deciphered the code. The Hanlons then made their way back to the park and the sign where Josh made seemingly short work of deciphering, but this had to be an editing trick. There is no way they could be ahead of Team Brown, even though it's now that they find the sign.
With Kat carrying Jessica on her back, the Grad Students were the first of these teams to find a compass! For so many players, an injury like that would have ended the game, but not for these women! Not only weren't they the last team, they weren't even the last team to find a compass. That's quite amazing. How far they'll be able to get now, who knows? But even if they can't continue on, they'll always have the satisfaction of having been able to pull this off.
It's down to two now, Team Brown vs. Team Wild Hanlons. I know who I would bet on. That's why I'm not a big gambler, because I would have lost the bet. Despite having gone way out of their way to get some food, the Hanlons uncovered the last compass, and so Team Brown is eliminated. Damn. If it wasn't for the canoe incident, I've no doubt it would have been the Hanlons going home Texas style. As fun as they are, they seem to be getting by on luck more than anything else.
So there it was, episode two, and it had everything. Drama, comedy, adventure, dirty dealing, good vs. evil, injuries, poetry, and suspense. Other than John without a shirt, what more can you ask for?

Interview with Nakomis of Big Brother 5

Over the six year history of Big Brother there have been moments that have stood out in memory as some of the best the show has to offer. One of those moments, and one of my personal favourites, was in Big Brother 5 with the Six Finger Plan resulting in the eviction of Jase. The architect of that plan is back this season for Big Brother: All-Stars is out on the campaign trail as one of the twenty potential House Guests and she is taking time out of her schedule to answer some questions for Realivision. We met her as Jennifer, but we know her as Nakomis.

***

Nakomis, thank you for joining us. For those who came to the Big Brother series late, can you tell us a little about yourself?

well sure, i'm a 23 year old artist from san antonio tx, durring my season of BB i master minded the six finger plan to get jase out of the house.....i dye my hair at least monthly if not more!

For those late-comers, what does "Nakomis" mean?

daughter of the moon, i've also found my name to be the same as a goddess kinda cool!

What have you been up to since the end of your season?

work work work work buuuuut cause i worked soooo much and fixed my credit i bought a house, it's in an okish neighborhood and i love it! i work on my art when i get the chance to and other than that not much just living and hanging ut with friends and family! oh yea I'M AN AUNT!!!!!!!!! :)

Big Brother 5's twist was DNA, one of which was the twin twist and the other being you in the house with a half-brother you never knew. Sure, it made for interesting television, but how did it affect your strategy?

when i found out i had a long lost brother on the show it killed my entire game..... just killed it. what do you do when you are up on the block the alliance lines have been drawn in the sand and the guy that you just found to be your brother wants nothing to do with you (at that time, game wise) i didn't wanna talk to cowboy too much cause of my alliance and his alliance. it sucked!

If you could go back to your season, is there anything you would have changed in the way of moves you made?

nothing really i might have stood up for cowboy a bit more?

What were your favorite memories from your time in the Big Brother house?

me karen and will hangin' out..... or nope that's it!

What happened with the CBS.com Big Brother former House Guest blog last season? It was fairly quiet, but some people stopped posting altogether.

I had soooo much work to do! and i work nights i would have loved to continue buuuuut i didn't wanna bull shit my way through....

This is the honest truth, when I was watching the announcement show and you showed up, before Julie Chen even announced your name I let out a cheer. What made you decide to try and go in the house again?

the money honey! and the challenge of the game, i wanna win

I let out a cheer, so you know you can count on votes from me. But for those who are undecided, why would they vote for you, Nakomis?

cause i get what i want if i set my mind to it, i strategize and that makes for a fun time!!!!

Watching your season, there seemed to be a breaking in period where the other people had to learn to look past the tattoos, colourful hair, and preferred name. Now that they already know who Nakomis is, do you think this will help you get an earlier and easier start forming those necessary alliances, should you decide to form any?

YES and i won't find any relatives this time....i hope.....

How did "cool beans" start?

my mom said it when i was young and i hated it but then like most things do it grew on me

Have you ever considered a catch phrase containing any other species of legume?

no not as of now but if you think of one let me know!

Thank you very much for your time, Nakomis, and good luck!

thank you!!!! bye!
Nakomis

***

Go to CBS.com to vote for Nakomis. You can vote now and vote often, then come back and vote some more. Until this Wednesday, anyway. Then tune in July 6th to CBS in the U.S. and Global in Canada to see who makes it in for the season premiere of Big Brother: All-Stars, and come back to Realivision all season long as we look at what the contestants are doing and scream at our televisions as to what they should be doing and how they'd win if only they'd listen to us.

So You Think You Can Dance - Air Date June 22

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Welcome to Realivision where we struggle more than any blog on the internet to come up with opening lines!
Good, that's over. Let's get to the show, and what a show it was! We had drama, intrigue, suspense, comedy, drama... Or some drama and a surprise or two. It's elimination night, and you know what that means - lots of filler when we could be seeing the six contestants fighting for their competitive lives given more time to dance.
The best of the filler has to be the opening dances on these results shows where everyone left dances just to perform. It's still a little hard to follow at times because of the sheer number of people on stage but that will dwindle each week.
Small talk with the judges. Alright.
Some behind-the-scenes stuff. Cool.
Ah! Here we go!
Doing it differently than last week, which makes sense considering how the numbers have changed, Cat Deeley brings the pairs down in groups of three. First up were Hjamze and Jessica, Ben and Ashlee, and Dmitry and Joy. If you're Jyammes and Jessica, at this point you're probably sweating because last time you stood next to Ben and Ashlee it didn't go so well despite the fact that they deserved bottom three so much more than you. This week is different though and there is the wildcards of Dmitry and Joy. Really this should be between B&A and D&J. Really really because even though Joy was a little weak in their dance the previous night, it should be Ben and Ashlee going to get ready for their solos.
I really don't get how Ben and Ashlee are making it through, because for the second week in a row they had a bottom three dance, but yet again they got the votes. Dmitry and Joy would be going on to dance their solos.
Next up were Travis and Martha, Benji and Donyelle, and Musa and Natalie. Damn, this had to be hard for M&N (can I go all "Bennifer" or "Brangelina" on them and call them "Mutalie"?), because if one couple from each grouping is going to have to dance then this isn't looking good for them.
Aaaaaaannnnnnd... Mutalie is safe! So are Trartha and Donji!
That means that only one of the next three pairs is safe. Jason and Aleksandra, Ryan and Heidi, and Ivan and Allison all come to the front. I hate to say it, but Ivan brought it the previous night so he deserves to stay this week. And sure enough, Ivan and Allison are safe.
So we have our bottom three couples. Next up, we get to see them dance their solos!
Joy - It was a nice dance. Pleasant to watch, it gave us a chance to see why she was there in the first place.
Dmitry - Out comes the handsome, muscular, manly Dmitry to perform a manly dance in a manly... dress? No, once he starts moving it's not a dress but what is it? The best description I can come up with is silky, billowing chaps over regular pants. The solo looked very bullfighterish, but truth be told I was mesmerized by that outfit.
Heidi - The dance of the night, and that's saying something when pitting a ballroom dancer up against people who are used to performing solo. This was someone who was dancing for her life and she brought it.
Ryan - I liked it. I wish I had more to say, I really do, but that's all.
Aleksandra - There was this thing she did with her legs that I absolutely loved, but after Heidi's passion, this was very lacking. If you want to stay in the competition, move like you mean it!
Jason - My favourite dancer last week, he was in the bottom three this week. His dance was good, but I'd much rather see him do something more lyrical and less hip-hop.
Not as easy a call this week. Frankly I could see all three of the guys going on, and Heidi should stay but which of Joy and Aleksandra should go?
As the judges go back to deliberate, we're treated to some generic singer who apparently has a number one song but does some of the worst lipsynching I've ever seen. Fortunately for me, I have this on tape so it's fast-forward time.
The second woman to leave the competition is... Joy. Okay, yes. She has a lot of maturing to do as a performer and hopefully she can take this experience and build on it.
The second man to leave the competition is... Jason. Damn it, I liked him! It's not as big a shock as last week though, as this time it was a strong three-way field and the judges had a much harder choice to make. It really could have gone any way.
With the loss of Joy and Jason, we get our first re-pairing of the show and it appeared to be greeted with mixed emotions. Dmitry was fighting to hold back a huge smile, and Aleksandra looked devastated. How much of it was losing Jason and how much it was pairing with Dmitry we'll find out next week.
And we come to the end, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! See you later from Realivision where we struggle more than any blog on the internet to come up with closing lines!

So You Think You Can Dance - Air Date June 21

Sure, this past Wednesday was the reveal of the twenty Big Brother: All-Stars hopefuls but it wasn't the only game in town. Down to nine couples, week two of Dance got off to a great start. Cat Deeley in a wonderfully surreal dress depicting what appeared to be a knight with an angry goose on his head introduced the judges - Nigel Lythgoe of course, Shane Sparks, and an almost unrecognizable Mia Michaels. With her hair suddenly cropped very short, it wasn't until she was introduced and we got a close-up that I knew who she was.
After a little rehearsed throw back to the judges' favourite moments of the auditions (when the video is ready to go, you know these answers aren't spontaneous), Cat had Hawk of the SickStep crew on the stage. While his student visa is still good and he can stay in the country and appear on television, he can't be invited back to dance. Unlike the rest of the SickStep crew who gave an incredible performance. Again, spend the next year well, SickSteppers, and get some training because you guys are phenomenal and I want to see you back competing. The only damper came when Pat Buchanan jumped out of the audience and demanded that the English Hawk of Asian descent be sent back to Mexico. Okay, that didn't happen, but where else are you going to go to see jokes being cracked about Hawk not having a work visa made at Pat Buchanan's expense? Nowhere, and if it didn't make you laugh then it's with very good reason.
But enough of the tomfoolery and padding! What about the dancing? The good news is that none of the performances were as glaringly bad as last week. But would there be any as good as the best?
Martha and Travis (Krump) - The couple to beat from last week would be krumping this week. While not as awesome as their previous performance, they showed that they should indeed go far in this competition. I'm not familiar with krumping at all, but this was fun to watch.
Jhyams and Jessica (Fox Trot) - I'm confused. According to the graphics on the show, it's spelled "Jamyz". That's not pronounced "James" at all. That's pronounced "jammies", which is what young children call their pajamas. You can't just decide out of the blue to silence a letter. Do I call myself "Tabbzny" and insist that the Z and N are silent? No. This is why so-called "creative" spellings of names are wrong, because it just confuses the hell out of everyone and nobody will spell your name correctly.
Despite all that Gaemhs and Jessica did a great job on their dance and should not be in the bottom three again.
Ivan and Allison (Hip-Hop) - Hoooo boy, Ivan got lucky this week. He should never have made it past the first elimination, and now he ends up getting his speciality, hip-hop. I'm still pissed that Stanislav went, but I'll give Ivan props. He did an excellent job and should not be in the bottom three this time around. Allison again showed us why she's one of the top women in this competition.
Dmitry and Joy (Samba) - Dmitry was smoking in this dance. Joy, not so much. While I still enjoyed the performance, it would be easy to see this pair in the bottom three for the night.
Natalie and Musa (Contemporary) - This is Natalie's style, so of course she's going to do well, but what of Musa? He's easily this year's Ryan, a breakdancer holding his own and showing why he deserves to be in this competition. A beautiful performance here.
Ryan and Heidi (Pop) - So now Ryan likes Heidi and is happy to have her as a partner. Good. He seemed much more comfortable in the dance this week, and Heidi was good too but this wasn't really a perforance to blow you away. It was fun and entertaining though.
Ben and Ashlee (American Jive) - I'm still confused over how they missed the bottom three last week. Still, they're talented dancers or they wouldn't have made it this far, can they turn things around? If they can, it's not with the American jive. It wasn't the most popular style or choreography with the judges, but that would make it up to the dancers to own the perforance and force them to like it, and they just didn't have it. A second bottom three performance in a row for this couple, can they get the votes to keep them around two weeks in a row?
Aleksandra and Jason (Hip-Hop) - Jason was my favourite dancer last week, and now in his element he just rocked my socks. Aleksandra danced, to quote Shane Sparks, "like a white girl". Now I'm not a dancer, but I have done a wee bit of acting, and one thing I'm seeing on this show is that dancing is more than just hitting the moves but a performance. All the dance training is great, but I'm wondering if some acting classes wouldn't help. Learn how to reach inside and pull out the emotions needed for a routine.
Donyelle and Benji (Cha Cha) - WOW! Fun, sexy, this is what watching this show is all about! How can you not love this pair? There is a hell of a battle brewing for the top spot. As the field starts narrowing, this will only get better and better.
I've got the results show on tape so it's time to go watch that now. Until then, I'm Tabbzny and this is Realyvyzyon.

Big Brother: All-Stars - Air Date June 21

The Chenbot is back! Two weeks until the season premiere, but tonight we got to find out who the 20 contestants are that we get to choose from. Until next Wednesday, June 28th, go to CBS.com and vote for who you'd like to see back. The top six vote receivers are guaranteed a spot in the house, while 6 more will be chosen by the producers to provide balance. The cruel twist is that only twelve House Guests will be entering to play, and the eight who aren't won't find out until the evening of the premiere.
But who should I vote for, Tabby, I hear you ask. No need to worry your pretty little heads about it. As a public service, here is a list of the twenty candidates with little bit of sassy analysis of each thrown in.

Season 1

"Chicken" George - Ah, George. Some of us out there still blame your friends and family for getting rid of Brittany. Many years have passed though and you're forgiven for their bypassing of phone charges. Near the end of his time in the Big Brother house, George got a wee bitty nuts. Sometimes in an entertaining way, other times in a hoping he doesn't stab everyone with chicken feathers in their sleep way. Why vote for him? As the only representative of the first season it would be nice to see him back. I've heard a lot of arguments that the first Big Brother was a totally different game and so people think none of them should be eligible. That's silly. We need one of them in because it was a totally different game. We've seen everyone else compete in the current version, let's see how George handles it. It would make him the freshest element of the whole season.

Season 2

Bunky - Setting the standard for bald gay men for seasons to come, Bunky was a nice guy if a little bit of an emotional wreck. He didn't set the house on fire with his gameplay, but he was certainly memorable. Why vote for him? It would be nice to see what he'd bring that's new with him to the game this season, and hopefully he would play to affect the game instead of just being a vote. Besides, if he teams up with Marcellas and Ivette, we'll get to see the strongest gay alliance since Big Brother 5's Four Horsemen.

Dr. Will - Dr. Will was to Big Brother what Richard Hatch was to Survivor. He set the standard for gameplay for every season to come after him. This is a man who would tell people he will lie to them then procede to lie to them and still get away with it. It helped that he was very entertaining and he appears to have grown even more egotistical. Why vote for him? He's the standard bearer for Big Brother strategy and deceit. As long as he is in the house, he will keep us watching.

Mike "Boogie" - The Hardy to Dr. Will's Laurel. The Chico to his Groucho. The Larry to his Mo. The Bush to his Cheney. As egotistical as Will but without the brains, looks, or charm. Why vote for him? He feels he has something to prove, and should the good doctor go back in the house, there's no guarantee Mike will team up with him. Having that something he feels he needs to prove, he could actively work against Will and that could be fun to watch.

Monica - I'll be honest with you, when I first heard about Big Brother 7 being all about the All-Stars, I went and looked at the past players and she didn't occur to me at all. Of all the potential House Guests, she's the one I remember the least. That could work to her advantage though. Why vote for her? She could be the next Amber. Not the most memorable from her original season only to come back and win the whole thing. Add that to the potential entertainment value of her temper she could make a whole new name for herself.

Season 3

Marcellas - Love him or hate him, you do notice him and you can't forget him. Always entertaining, it doesn't matter if you cheer him or boo him he adds definite flavour to the house. And hey, he's been good to Realivision, giving a little upstart blog our first ever interview and for the second post ever at that. The only problem with him going back into the house is that House Calls just won't be the same. Gretchen, it'll be up to you and I know you won't let us down! Why vote for him? After making one of the most famous and memorable gaffes in Big Brother history, Marcellas has something to prove. He's also been a fan and a student of the game since he left the house, so as long as he reigns in his emotions he could well play one of the most solid strategic games of the season.

Lisa - Arguably the last and only "good" player to win the game. She was fun to watch and admits that she road coattails to the end. There is something to be said for playing the social game though, something she did much better than Danielle, her opponent in the final two. Why vote for her? Because she is nice and pleasant and fun, and she promises to play the game itself more than last time. Can she do it? We'll only know if she's in the house.

Danielle - She's the devil! THE DEVIL! As aggravating as she was in the diary room sessions and as much as she set people against my beloved Roddy, she played a great strategy game. Except for strategizing how to get people to vote for her, but she may have learned from her experience. One of the most memorable "villains" of Big Brother history, she is definitely an All-Star. Why vote for her? Because she does have a good grasp of strategy, and it would give us a chance to see if she can improve her social game to get the votes if she makes it to the end.

Season 4

Erika - Another nice player, she might be too similar to Lisa for both to go in. Or maybe not. The similarities could either bring them together or really drive them apart, and Big Brother if nothing else is an intesting socialogical experiment. Expect to see a lot of pink clothing if she returns. Why vote for her? She picked a nice alliance last time and it cost her. Will she play more cutthroat this time around? Without the added distraction of her ex-boyfriend around, we'll be able to see a more focussed Erika in the house.

Dana - To this day I will argue that she made one of the most boneheaded moves in all the Big Brothers. She was already in a strong alliance with no need to shake things up, but she jumped ship early for guy she had a crush on. She then topped it off with some of the most annoying rationalizations ever. Why vote for her? Looking back, she knows she made a huge mistake and it cost her dearly. Playing the game with her head instead of her hormones would be a new experience for both her and for us.

Alison - Oooooh, Alison! Until last year she was arguably one of the most hated House Guests ever. She switched sides in the house seemingly weekly, yet she still managed to keep people's trust through a mix of lies and seduction. Her biggest problem should she go in this season will be getting any trust from anyone. Why vote for her? The house needs its villains and she's one of the best. She will have to work hard to gain any trust and that in itself would be fun to watch.

Season 5

Jase - One of the most memorable players ever, and abuser of the famed "mandana". The craziest player since George, Jase was a constant threat in the physical challenges and his wacky attitude hid a glimmer of intelligence. Without Scott "Savage" to boost the worst parts of his personality, Jase could still be entertaining while remaining possibly a little more grounded. Why vote for him? That ego in the same house as Dr. Will? Come on! That's television gold!

Cowboy - Really? Did everyone else say no? Memorable, sure. He's the only person ever to have asked his teammates to deliberately throw a competition so he could win just once, and he really meant it. Overly earnest and loyal to a fault, Cowboy was little more than a dependable vote and it's really hard to see him changing. Why vote for him? I honestly can't think of a reason, but if you found him entertaining enough, why the hell not?

Nakomis When she popped up on the screen, I let out a cheer. I really thought she never wanted anything to do with Big Brother again and am I glad I was mistaken. The originator of the Six Finger Plan to oust Jase, Nakomis made a lasting impression on the game of Big Brother. Now known simply as "backdooring" and used more times since, when it was first proposed it was brilliant and original. Nakomis' biggest problem in the house was that she was an outsider at the start, and different enough that when she was to share a bed with Scott "Savage" in the season premiere he opted to sleep elsewhere. She made friends later on, but by then it was too late to get a solid, early alliance going. Why vote for her? She's shaken up the game once already, and without having to go through the awkward period of having this tattooed girl Jennifer explain to everyone that she'd rather be called Nakomis, she'll get off to a much better start.

Diane - She really should have won her season but she made some costly mistakes, the biggest of which was carrying her boyfriend through to the final three together with one of his original alliance members. She wasn't the first woman to let her hormones screw up her game (see Dana above), but she's the one who had the best chance of winning if she hadn't. Why vote for her? She's a smart woman who has learned from her mistake, and one of the biggest female physical threats in the run of the series.

Season 6

Howie - Ah, the Jedi. He made playing with lightsabers look like lots of fun, damn it. A little too obsessed with sex, Howie is certainly an entertaining character. The biggest problem is that he made too many grevious errors in his season, and those errors not only cost him but they cost his alliance the game. Why vote for him? Not everyone in the house needs to be a mastermind, and he really can be lots of fun.

Kaysar - One of the most popular players ever, Kaysar came out of nowhere to take the Big Brother world by storm. An Iraqi American and a Muslim, he went into the Big Brother house as the secret partner of his friend Michael to give a human face to Iraqis and Muslims and show a side that most people don't get to see. The biggest problem is he wasn't very familiar with the game, and that cost him not just one eviction but two. Numbers matter and he found out the hard way that it's better to keep the person you can't trust around and get rid of the ones you know are very much against you. Why vote for him? It's tempting to say you don't have to, because he has enough fans out there to be a shoo-in, and that's not even counting the ones with auto-voters. However, Kaysar is a very smart man and now that he was able to accomplish his one goal last season, it would interesting to see if he'd be more into the gameplaying this time around.

Ivette - The second surprised cheer to escape my lips tonight. I was siding with the majority throughout last season and wanted to see her gone as much as anyone else. After Janelle won the phone call, Ivette's tears were like nectar to me too. Then something happened. As the season started coming to a close, I stopped looking at the players as good and evil and started looking at them as human beings (I was as embroiled in the hate as much as anyone else and really didn't like what I was becoming). With Ivette I saw the loyalty in her, and the love for her family and girlfriend. Someone who, outside of the sphere of influence of her alliance, would have more in common with her "enemies" that she could have imagined. It was a huge house last year and that contributed to isolation between the two groups, but now that we've seen the extreme I don't see that happening again.
Where Ivette really won me over though was outside of the house. Sure, she dished out a good amount of negativity during the season, but she took it as well as she gave afterwards. She went boldly into chats, and has a message board where she doesn't ban critics. I'm a big fan now so I was happy to see her come back and put herself out there once again. Why vote for her? Everything I just said. Despite all the hatred she's encountered, she's willing to put herself back out there, and she's learned from her mistakes. She's still Ivette and she's still emotional, but if you've ever believed in redemption then you have to give her a chance.

James - The Veto King. Last season he went into the house with every intention of playing a weasily game, and he did quite well at it. The biggest problem is that he was playing with his girlfriend Sarah as his partner, and that distracted him too much. If he gets back in this year she will be watching from outside rooting him on, so all his concentration will be on the task at hand. Not that he would be playing without a handicap. Like Alison and Dr. Will, he would have to face the issue of having to build trust with people who have seen him play. However, he's also shown enough loyalty that he should have an easier time of it. Why vote for him? Despite his politics, he's a smart man (hee hee!) and to pit him against some of the other smart players on this list would make for a more compelling game. There are also enough physical threats on this list that winning the veto will be a lot harder, making the social gameplay that much more important.

Janelle - You could argue forever in circles who was the more popular player from Big Brother 6, Kaysar or Janelle, but one thing you can't argue is that Janelle was the more successful of the two, getting all the way to the final three. Seemingly just another shallow bottled blonde in the beginning, she started winning us over when she talked about chess and how she was using it to guage the other House Guests' strengths and weaknesses. Another surefire bet to get back in, it seems almost moot to even present an argument for her return, but present an argument I will. Why vote for her? You can never go wrong with smart in Big Brother, and she ranks up there with Diane as being one of the biggest female physical threats in the game.

There you have it, your twenty choices. Ideally we'll end up with a balance house with representatives of every season, with smart players and entertaining players, and with good guys and bad guys. If I may give you just once piece of advice it's this - don't just vote for who you like but vote for who will make the most compelling television.

Last Comic Standing - Air Date June 20

After weeks of auditions and injustice we finally get to the moment everything has been leading to - the comics go into the house. By house what I really mean is a ship. The Queen Mary, former cruise ship converted to floating hotel, is where all the drama is going to take place this season because renting a mansion is likely too expensive due to NBC's sagging fortunes. There is a plus side though, and it's not just the difference in the scenery we're accustomed to in these shows. The cabins the comedians must share are tiny. Very, very tiny. Pretty good so far.
Anthony Clark explains how this is going to work. Each week there will be a challenge for immunity and whoever wins will not have to compete on stage that week and will thus be safe from elimination. Three comics will go head-to-head in front of a live audience with only one of them leaving unscathed, the other two going home. It will go this way until there are six comedians left. Out of twelve going into this portion of the game, there's some easy math for you. It is then that the home audience gets to vote until there is only one. In Highlander they accomplished this by fighting each other with swords, but you know how people are with their "laws" and their "killing is immoral". Spoilsports. I guess the only dying we'll see here will be on stage. HA!
Getting their roommate assignments, the contestants moved into their rooms. There wasn't much here except for one pairing, Roz and Stella. Any time you get two loud women with one name each and stick them into a teensy room together you'll get one of two things, lots of drama or a sitcom pilot. Stella rubbed pretty much everyone the wrong way, but none moreso than Roz. This is what they cast for, this is what they got. Shouting in place of laughter? Why not.
The challenge this week was heckling. Pairing up the comics, they would take turns doing their acts while the other would heckle them. The audience in the comedy club would then vote on who they thought was the best comedian and who was the best heckler. Those two would then have immunity and would not have to perform for their lives.
By random draw the pairs were Josh Blue and Chris Porter, Kristin Key and Michele Balan, April Macie and Joey Gay, Gabriel Iglesias and Bill Dwyer, Stella and Ty Barnett, and Rebecca Corry and Roz. Some of these looked promising while others promised to be wincetastic. Feel free to use that word, by the way. "Wincetastic!"
If you've been reading Realivision's coverage of Last Comic Standing so far you know who the favourites are.
Josh Blue performed first and was funny. No shocker. The pleasant surprise here was Chris Porter's heckling. He was pretty good in the auditions, but I felt he fell short near the end with his worn out French-bashing jokes and didn't deserve to move on. Now he's starting to live up to his promise again and that can only be good for us and the entertainment value of the show.
Next was Kristin Key who is one of the only two women in the final twelve I thought deserved to get through and she showed why in her peformance. Michele Balan did alright as the heckler and their repartee was entertaining to watch. Good for you, Michele. I told you I dig you.
Rebecca Corry? Still not funny. Roz heckling her? She couldn't lose. Hell, I wanted to shout the same things to the Beckster myself.
I still don't really enjoy Gabriel Iglesias but maybe I might if they show more of his act. We got to see very little of it. Bil Dwyer got a funny dig in. For some reason I think that was probably the only funny dig considering how little of this pairing they showed.
Ty Barnett was another act that didn't get much in the way of airtime which is very likely because Stella was his heckler, and she decided to go with annoying instead of funny. I guess that's a valid option if you don't care about winning a comedy competition.
April Macie got to do her entire act uninterrupted. For whatever reason, Joey Gay decided not to heckle. Or couldn't come up with anything funny but considering that I have a feeling I'm going to be very hard on Joey in the coming weeks, we'll pretend that he really did decide not to heckle. It makes perfect sense after all to go on a reality gameshow and choose not to participate in the challenges.
After the commercials the tables were turned. Bil was up first with Gabriel heckling him, and by "heckling" I mean fake laughing very loudly instead of saying anything humourous.
Stella... Funny yet? No. Ty heckling her? It was okay. Another short look, this one we the audience can be grateful for.
Roz had a fairly easy time with Rebecca in the audience who just kept shouting "Monique!" in a completely hilarious... shoot me now. Please for the love of all the good in the world, if Rebecca Corry manages to get to the final six, please shoot me. Hunt me down and put a bullet right in my head. I'll stand against the wall and you don't even need to blindfold me. Just play Rebecca Corry's act for me. Throw in Stella's act and I'll let you use a bazooka.
I'm sorry, Rebecca. I may not find you funny but you seem like a very nice person. Just switch your name and Stella's and it's all good.
Joey Gay should have a heckler in the audience all the time because his rants to April Macie were much better than anything I've seen in his act to date.
Michele Balan and Kristin Key worked great against each other. Kristin has talked about being nervous against the other comedians, but she should easily make the final six. She's the funniest woman left for sure.
Chris Porter kept proving me wrong and making me laugh, and Josh Blue was a great heckler. This was the best pairing of the night and I'd loved to have seen all five minutes from each of them.
The audience then voted for their favourite performers and hecklers. Winner of the best heckler of the night was Roz. Having such an easy target certainly helped, but still this was a decent choice. She wouldn't have been my choice but she would have been up there. Performer of the night was very close. Kristin Key lost by one vote which should prove to her that not only does she belong there but that she has a chance in this competition. It didn't though and for some reason she thought the others would see her as a weak link. Has she not seen some of their acts? The performance winner was Chris Porter. He did a good job and certainly deserved it.
Before getting to the head-to-head we were treated to the tension between Roz and Stella blowing up completely. There appeared to be accusations of farting which can be deadly in those small cabins but still is more information than we really need. I'm certain various gases escape from Roz's ass all the time just as they're bound to escape from Stella's. I just don't want to hear about it.
Following this was nomination time. Each comic would go to a secluded area and say to the camera, "I know I'm funnier than..." followed by a name. The comic with the most votes would then choose two people to go to the head-to-head and they could only choose amongst those who voted for them.
Roz went first and to no surprise to anyone, she voted for Stella. All the others then turn their turns but we didn't get to hear their votes just yet.
Joey picked a woman, we knew that, and really laid into her, but who it was we would have to wait and see. Gabriel pissed me off. First he lied by saying "You all deserve to be here", then he drew a name out of his hat. What a weiner. You know there were funnier comedians who didn't make it to the ship, so say a damned name! Yeesh.
We then get to see who voted for whom...
Roz knows she's funnier than Stella.
Chris knows he's funnier than Michele.
Ty knows he's funnier than Stella.
Bil knows he's funnier than Ant? With that comment alone he's funnier than Bil. But in the end he knows he's funnier than Michele. And Ant.
Rebecca thinks she's funnier than Bil. She knows she's funnier than a root canal.
Michele knows she's funnier than Stella.
Stella thinks she's funnier than April. She knows she's not as funny as a root canal.
Josh knows he's funnier than Stella.
Kristin knows she's funnier than Michele.
April knows she's funnier than Michele.
Joey knows he's funnier than April, and then he goes on to excuse his not participating fully in the competition. His talk of mopping the floor with her on stage didn't go over well with the others.
Gabriel is a wiener. The name he drew out of a hat was Rebecca. As fate would have it, he is funnier than her.
It's a tie! Stella and Michele going to the head-to-head, and between them they chose April to go with them. At this point my fingers are crossed for Michele. I do like her, she just hasn't been all that funny yet. Luckily for her, neither have her competitors in this showdown. The tie was a sham anyway. If you listen very carefully, you could hear a certain fetus say "I know I'm funnier than Stella."
In a confessional to the camera, April said she has confidence in her material and that if she can't beat those two, she has no business being in comedy.
Stella bitched and moaned about Roz.
Michele completely lacked any confidence, something that can't bode well for her performance.
Now on to the first head-to-head (shouldn't it be a head-to-head-to-head if there are three of them?) of the season.
Back stage at the theatre, April almost won me over with her best line yet - if Stella wins, she'll shoot herself in the face.
Kicking off the Night of a Thousand Laffs was Stella who managed to make some audience members scream. It may have been with laughter but I wouldn't bet the rent on it. It was the most we've seen of her act yet and I didn't even crack a smile. Tell me again how she made it on ahead of Nikki Payne?
Michele Balan was next and did pretty darned well. She was funny, for crying out loud. Not funny enough to be the last comic standing but she was finally showing some of the promise I thought she has.
Finally it's April Macie who did an adequate job. It was here I realized she looks like a younger, curvier Marcia Wallace. Sadly I don't see The Bob Newhart Show or The Simpsons in her future, but good for her if she lands on a classic show or two.
The three women's fate is now in the hands of the audience and their ability to press one of three buttons without incident. There are obviously some drunks in the crowd stagging their way through the night because we see someone's hand push the button to vote for Stella. I hope for the sake of the theatre's janitor that the hand was one of a very few because I know I wouldn't want to have to clean up after April shoots herself in the face.
The first comic eliminated with the fewest votes is... Stella! There is rioting in the street as a weight is lifted off the collective shoulders of the home viewers! A parade is held in honour of those brave but humble folks who had the intestinal fortitude and sense of humour to vote against her!
The second comic eliminated is anti-climatic. Really, after Stella's ouster does it really matter? But the second to go is April as it's announced that Michele won the night with 83% of the votes. She didn't just win, she kicked ass! It was well deserved though as she easily had the funniest set of three.
April was happy that she wasn't the first one gone and took consolation from that. She then left with the last thought that "Women are funny. Don't underestimate women because we're just as damaged as men." Why she leaves her best material for the confessionals instead of taking to the stage is beyond me. I loved that line and yes, it's true.
So there it is, NBC. In the interest of creating drama amongst a diverse group you left a lot of funnier comedians behind, and where did it get you? One week of fighting and it's already over because the biggest catalyst just couldn't make enough people laugh.

Treasure Hunters - Air Date June 18

It's time for adventure, girls and boys!
Whatever you may have read in the reviews, forget it. This is a fun show. Perfect? Of course not, there are things I'd like to see changed in a second season, but dang I enjoyed the premiere.
As well as the aforementioned adventure, we got suspense, adrenaline, product placement, and the first villains of the season in the most unexpected of people. Not the kind of evil one can cheer, unfortunately, but evil never the less!
Ten teams of three competing over hidden treasure with that standard of reality gameshows, eliminations. That doesn't add up to a whole heck of a lot of episodes so it should be safe to assume that not every episode will end in an elimination.
The show starts out with a twist. There are ten teams competing, but they're split into two teams of five, one in Alaska, the other in the South Pacific (literally, they were on a ship). No, this isn't going to be an editing nightmare.
But first let's meet our host, Laird MacIntosh. Laird is a handsome man. A handsome man with a fine but odd speaking voice. I'm not sure what it is about his cadence that bothers me, but he's no Phil Keoghan or Jeff Probst. Hell, who is? If they ever perfect same-sex breeding, Phil and Jeff should totally get together and birth the ultimate host. Maybe their offspring, whom I'd like to think of as Phelff, could then mate with Laird, who is a handsome man.
Laird introduces us to the game, but more importantly he gets the duty that NBC does better than any other network's reality shows, doing product placement. Really now, who does it better? Are you going to tell me that Survivor or Big Brother can out-product place The Apprentice? I think not, my friend! And Treasure Hunters takes it to new - and at times annoying - new levels. We learn from dreamy Laird that each team will have a Motorola Razr cell phone which he will use to communicate with them (Phil puts himself in danger, damn you Hunky MacStudintosh!), a laptop computer where they can access Ask.com (and as we learn later without a cool graphic, Orbitz.com and realivision.blogspot.com (no, not really, but next season they totally should)), and a Visa card to use with the laptop to pay for porn downloads. Or to pay for transportation. One of those two things.
The product placement doesn't end there. Every other time, except for one, we see Laird, it's either on a Motorola screen or on a faux Motorola screen whipped up by the graphics department. Like I said, product placement at annoying levels. If you learn to tune it out, the show is very fun.
Before I get on to the actual game, I'd like to point something out. "Laird" is Scottish for "Lord". So Laird MacIntosh is actually Lord MacIntosh. Now bow down, peasants and bring him tribute!
In both locations we first see the teams standing around televisions watching Laird talk to them. Watching him and falling in love. When he's finished yammering away, the very first clue of the game starts. Morse code, baby!
... . -..- -- . ..- .--. .-.. .- .. .-. -..
Yes, that says something. First person to decode it wins an imaginary Realivision t-shirt.
Somewhere on the ship in the South Pacific and in the mining camp in Alaska are books that will help the players decode the code and find their next location, and until they do they can not leave. I'm sure eventually they could, but I love to imagine that some team is still stuck on the USS Jefferson swabbing decks because they've never been able to solve the code.
Eventually every team gets it, some faster than others, yada yada yada. There really isn't much to talk about on this part of the competition. Alaska was fine but all the drama was happening on the ship. Once they got the code, teams had to throw off their gear packed up in waterproof bags and jump in to the sea after them then swim to their boats. What I loved about this is at times it looked like people were throwing their bags right onto their teammates. Maybe they didn't, but it looked like that. Head trauma on the high seas! How thrilling would that be? We also got Keith from Team Brown who had spent a total of three weeks previous to this swimming, so he had to wear a life preserver and struggle to swim to the boat. I felt for him here 'cause damn, that has to be scary. He made it to the boat, alright. Head trauma? Fun for the whole family. Drowning? Not so much.
Speaking of Team Brown, let's take a moment to meet our fine teams. You'll notice I haven't used a whole lot of names so far. Thirty people are a lot to get to know in the space of two hours. In the order presented on NBC.com...
Young Professionals - Smart and reasonably fit. This early in the season with this many people to meet, sadly that's all I've got to say about them.
Geniuses - Smart (d'uh) and not so reasonably fit. Except for the "extreme Eagle Scout" who is also the most annoying member of the team. They did one evil act in this episode, which leaves them far behind the most evil team in the game. We'll get to that later.
Team Brown - Okay, so they're not going to win any foot races but a likeable group of brothers, a team one wants to see do well.
Southie Boys! - We got the interview with John, so that alone made me cheer for them before the show even started! They didn't let me down, for what little we saw of John, Martin, and Matthew they seemed like good guys. And easy on the eyes. Get out of my sight, Laird! Now I have John! Yes, he's somewhat on the attractive side so expect some swooning each week. Sorry about that. Don't get me wrong, Martin and Matthew! You'd make a delicious twin sandwich!
Miss USA - They made me laugh out loud when they talked about saving their womanly wiles (though not quite in those words) until later in the game. You go, girls!
Ex-CIA - They used to work for the CIA, and look like they'll be doing well. We really didn't see too much of them.
Grad Students - Hit with evil twice, as I'll be getting to.
Air Force - Probably the fittest of the teams.
Fogal Family - A pastor with his wife and daughter. The most evil pastor this side of Pat Robertson. More on this to come.
Wild Hanlons - "Texas style!" I'm torn on them. Hearing "Texas style!" shouted repeatedly will wear thin very quickly. Heck, it's already worn thin. However, entrepeneur Pat has the finest mullet seen on television since Dog the Bounty Hunter. I weep with joy at the thought of his mullet and shudder at the thought of seeing it gone. Long may they stay in the game.
Enough of that though, we're here for the game. After Morse Code Mania, the Alaskan teams then had to go to a glacier to get their next clue which was encased in a block of ice with the words "Stillwater Washington" carved on front. That trip alone would have made the whole thing worth it for me. There was some truly beautiful ice, and to get to enjoy it while it's still there would have been memorable. In the ice was a map of the general area, and the teams had to use the clue to find where on the map they had to go, which turned out to be Lake George.
Once they were at the lake, they had to find artifacts that were buried under any of several piles of rocks known as cairns, or piles of rock to the rest of the world. Seriously, a true cairn is a beautiful arrangement of stone, like the ones they had to follow to find their engraved blocks of ice, but these were just pebbly piles. Is "pebbly" even a word?
The artifacts they had to find were metal tubes engraved with what they would need to decipher a code later one. All teams did this, with the Miss USAs getting worried they would soon be eliminated. Don't worry, gals! It's way too early in the game for that! Once they got their tubes, they were then able to each board a plane to the bustling metropolis of Lincoln, Nebraska. There is something about these flights that bothered me. We'll get to that after we check in on the South Seas players where all the evil is taking place.
Once they got off the ship, teams were then boated to a beautiful area off an incredibly lovely island, but not to shore. One member of each team had to dive down to find one of five metal cases that contained a pilot's log book. So far so good... Holy friggin' crap! The diving member of the Grad Student had her box, when suddenly she felt another hand. Pastor Fogal was stealing it from her! He opened the box and grabbed the log book, and Kat (I have it on tape just for all of you) grabbed it too, though in the end Pa Fogal won out, calling it a "sweet victory".
In these games I have no problems with lying, misdirecting, or even cancelling your opponents' cabs. That's fun evil. This was just incredibly low and dirty and one of the biggest a-hole moves I've ever seen in years of watching reality gameshows.
Enough of them though. Once the teams had their log books they then had to make their way to the island by swimming. Poor Keith. It got bad enough that they had to use a boat to get him to shore. A lifetime of never swimming in an ocean is a lot to get past in a case like this, and being a brand new swimmer doesn't help. I hope the experience as only helped to make him want to try swimming more.
Once on dear, sweet solid land, the teams then had to find their way to the remains of a crashed airplane, or at least a decent mock-up of one. Team Genius, being the perfect physical specimens that they are, were solidly in first place until Team Air Force caught up and passed them by. To make matters worse, the Geniuses went and got themselves, despite having an extreme Eagle Scout in the form of Charles on their team. Chuck's incredible sense of direction would come in handy again much later.
At the crashed airplane, the Monticello, were some crates and in those crates were yet more boxes. These boxes were locked and the only way to open them was by taking apart canes the players could find and using two pieces to form a key. In the box was a painting with a code on the other side, an artifact that they would have to take to Lincoln, Nebraska. Ooooh, I wonder what's going to happen there!
One by one they would slowly do this, but before it was over we'd be privvy to two more pieces of evil.
The Fogal's daughter, Kayte (why the Y? WHY?), had the lid of a crate fall heavily on to her hand, causing much payne (see what happens with careless use of the letter Y?) and the fear that she may have broken her hand. Not any fear for her parents though who, through the power of pastor prayer quite possibly, shut out their offspring's agony and kept working until they were able to open the crate. I'm really not liking this family.
The second evil act was perpetuated by the Geniuses this time who had pieced together a GPS out of bamboo, palm leaves, and coconut shells and found their way to the downed plane. Piecing together the key out of their +3 Walking Stick of Unlocking, they then went over and opened up the Grad Students' box, taking their painting. I'm not an advocate of violence by any means, but at this point I'm thinking the Students should get theirselves a gun and shoot the next bastard who tries to steal their clue.
It doesn't matter soon enough anyway, as they eventually get another painting and are on their way to Nebraska.
There have been a lot of comparisons of Treasure Hunters to The Amazing Race, and in some ways they're valid, but something happens here that makes me think TH could stand to learn a few things from TAR. In the Race, there are equalizing moments where a challenge takes place at a location that doesn't open up until a certain time. We get to be their and experience their frustration when this happens, but the whole thing makes sense for an exciting game and simple logistics.
When we last saw each team, they were leaving on their own individual airplane. At some point between then and Lincoln any leads a team had ceased to matter and they ended up together. I understand when this happens, but let us enjoy the disappointment!
The reason for this happening was pure game twistidgery. At the state capital building, one team was at the north entrance and the other team was at the south. They were they made to race around the building to Laird IN PERSON! Coming face to face for the first time, both sets of teams were shocked to find out they weren't one of five but one of ten. Ouch. Luckily Laird's calm, reassuring presence helped get everyone past this crushing realization.
After a little more product placement where if you listen you can make out when Laird is speaking live and when he's doing a voice over, teams were paired up in order of finishing the last challenge, so one engraved tube and one painting each.
This was the worst moment of the show for me, as the Southie Boys were teamed up with the Fogals. NO! DON'T YOU DARE TAINT THE LOVELY BOSTON BOYS WITH YOUR WICKED EVIL WAYS! If the Southies don't win the treasure, the blame rests entirely on the demonic shoulders of the Fogals as such brushes with darkness are bound to negatively affect everything one does.
Each set of teams got their own luxurious bus, but here's the rub - the bus is going the wrong way and will keep going the wrong way until the teams can piece together with what they've got where they must go. Even more deviously, there are two possible locations and the bus drivers would go to either one.
Working through the clues, each bus ends up going to Mount Rushmore. Each bus except one. Team Geniuses and Team Young Professionals decided to go to Mount Roosevelt. That can't end well. This is all about scenery and history. Of course you need to go to Rushmore! At this point it's so much harder to say "Geniuses" without a touch of sarcasm in your voice. Go ahead, try it. If you're at work, pretend you're on the phone and thanks for shirking your responsibilities to visit with Realivision. Especially for coverage of a two hour episode. If you've made it this far, you rock.
Me, I'm tired. This has been a lot of typing, so let's speed things along. The location they had to get to was indeed Mount Rushmore. It took the Geniuses and Young Professionals surprisingly long upon arriving at the wrong location to realize they were at the wrong location. They would have left earlier, but Charles was obstinate and didn't want to leave until the YPs used their Motorola Razr phones to call one of the other teams who confirmed that Mount Roosevelt was so very much the wrong place to be. Now here is a gratuitous mention of Motorola Razr phones. Motorola, my e-mail address is at the bottom of the page if you'd like to find out how to send me a free phone.
Back at Rushmore, a convoluted set of instructions had the teams searching high and low for "time capsules" with electronic locks - more boxes - which would contain their next artifact and the final one of the episode, a map. There would only be nine maps, meaning one team would be eliminated.
Somehow team after team started to find the box pile and started attempting to figure out the electronic combinations. Each team except the Geniuses and Young Professionals. Oh, and the Wild Hanlons. The Hanlons had a fool-proof plan of looking under each and every rock, twig, leaf, and garbage recepticle. Being under the shadow of Mount Rushmore, there were a hell of a lot of rocks, twigs, leaves, and garbage recepticles. Texas style doesn't seem to be getting them far. You'd think they'd be doing so much better having that extra team member, Pat's mullet. If Texas style lets you down, use the mullet power. Pat, it's up to you.
The first team to open a box was Air Force. Eh. Closely following them were the Southie Boys! Yay! I'm still worried about the residual Fogal taint, but good job so far! Speaking of the Fogals, dark clouds gather and a sulphurous pillar of fire shoots from the ground to open their box. Or they got the lock open at some point. Boooo!
Here's where Team Brown proved themselves to be good guys. After a while it was just them and the Grad Students at the box pile, the last three not yet arriving. The Grad Students opened their box first and the Browns didn't steal it from them! See, Fogals and Geniuses? This is how people play the game who don't sign pacts in blood! It didn't even cost the Browns as they got theirs open shortly after. Ha!
So how much time did the Wild Hanlons waste in their search? Despite having an incredible lead, by the time they got to the Pile O' Boxes (now available from NBC.com) the Geniuses caught up. That's bad, guys. Or was it smart? Using Team Geniuses' superior intellect to their advantage, they were able to get the code and unlock their box first. Hot diggedy dang!
Despite having helped the Hanlons, the Geniuses were having trouble unlocking their own. More precisely, Charles was having a hard time of it. Even the Vulcan Lock Pinch wasn't of any use! Damn it, Jim! They're geniuses, not locksmiths! This leaves me wondering how many episodes it will be before they stop letting Charles do anything.
The Young Professionals catch up and start working on a box themselves. This is it, pure suspense! Who will open their box first? Never mind that even if the Young Professionals open one, it's not going to have a map because the Geniuses have that box, but as we've seen there doesn't appear to be a rule against grabbing something out of someone else's hands.
It doesn't happen though, and the Geniuses get the final map despite their skinny blond handicap.
It's a flawed show, no doubt, but lots of fun. With a little tweaking this could be one of the best reality gameshows out there. Bring on episode two!