Dancin' With the Stars - Arrrred Sept. 13 - Parrrrrrtial Recap

Ahoy, me hearties! We be ready for the Dancin' results show, arrrrr, but as we know, the landlubbers will be makin' it mostly filler! Arrrrr! As I be writin' this, it be Talk Like a Pirate Day and so I shall be takin' that to heart! Join yer good friend Cap'n Tabby as we sail these treacherous waters and find out who was the first scurvy dog to walk the plank...
Avast, before we get to the show's glitterin' treasure, we must first lay eyes on a recap of the night afore. We don't need that bilge water, for all we need to do is scroll down this page just a wee bit. Arrrrr!
What vile treachery be this? The leader board. Damnable curs! We know that Able Seaman Mario Lopez be in front of the fleet! We know that fancy dandy Tucker Carlson be at the rear! Are ye wanting a cutlass up the windpipe? Arrr, you at least explained the rules, that the judges score be making up half the total, and the landlubbin' masses be makin' up the other half.
The judges are given the choice between a trip to Davy Jones' locker, or their favourite jig from the competition. Their choice? Emmitt and Cheryl. Arr. They would have been a fine meal for the sharks, and fine entertainment for the crew. Yer cap'n would have watched the jig, but I was polishin' me typing hook at the time.
There be few things that bring a tear to an old pirates one good eye, but a performance by that crusty buccaneer Tom Jones would do it. As he sang one of his more popular chanties, we were treated to a couple of youngsters dancin' a professional jig.
Below deck after this, that fair wench Samantha was talkin' to some of the competin' crew. Arrrrrrrr! If'n there were some magic that would let us blow past this!
Now we are forced to hear from the audience! Is there no end to this torture! Lash me to the yardarm, that would be so much more pleasurable! Damn ye, Dancin' With the Stars. Is there no end to yer plunderin' and pillagin' of me time?
Alrighty, we be findin' out now who the first four will be who will be sailin' on in this voyage.
Harry. Arrr.
Emmitt. Arrr.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Aaarrrrrr! Avast, Jerry, they will not be stretchin' yer neck this night!
Vivica. Arrr.
Somethin' new on the show this year be a landlubbin' peasant who ain't never danced a jig in her life. She be learnin' a new jig each week and performin' it on the show, I think. Or she be doin' one jig at the end of the season. I be too busy sharpenin' me cutlass to be payin' attention. This could be interestin' anyway.
The professional dancers then did a jig to show them hornswogglin' celebrities how to do it right for next week! Arrrr!
More Samantha below deck with the four who be safe. Ar.
Salty Tom, the host, asked the judges who they be thinkin' should be keelhauled this blustery night. Len would toss Shanna into Davy Jones Locker if he be given the chance. Bruno would feed Tucker to the fish. Carrie Ann would make Sara walk the plank.
After this, it's time for another chanty from Crusty Tom, the singer! Arrrr. He makes me tap me pegleg to the music.
Time for the results? Nay! It be a look at the celebrities and how hard they be working on their jigs! Oh, for some magic that would let me fast forward to the future!
Arrrrrrr! We finally be getting to the end of this voyage!
Tucker be in the bottom three.
Monique be safe.
Joey be safe.
Shanna be in the bottom three.
Mario be safe.
Sara be safe.
Willa be in the bottom three.
Arrr. Who be the first to walk the plank?
Shanna be safe.
The first to walk the plank be... Tucker!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrr! Splash!