Treasure Hunters - Air Date July 3

"We've got a Motorola message." There, I just wanted to get that awkwardness out of the way instead of spreading it out over the course of the action like the show does.
Depending where you are on the North American continent things got very confusing last night. My understanding is that possibly the entire fourth episode aired. In my area we got the fourth episode recap of this episode, then a sudden jolt into the correct one. This meant there would be little tension at the end for those of us who caught it as we already know now who will be eliminated. But if you didn't see this, I'll save that information for the end of this recap. Yeah, I'm admitting it now, I'm doing recaps. Come Big Brother though it'll be more about the strategy, you just wait and see.
We didn't miss much of anything of the correct episode though, and came into it in time to see Jessica of the Grad Students in tears, obviously feeling like she was letting down her team. Her knee was just too messed up to continue, as too much stress on it could make matters worse for her down the road, so they came to the consensus that they would have to withdraw from the hunt. That's a shame as I really liked this team after last week, and should there be a second season I'd like to see them given another chance. If it was later on in the hunt, maybe not, but this is still pretty early.
They had to break the news to the other teams, and this resulted in tears and disappointment. It also brought about a hug from Ma Fogal who you just know was happy their little trap worked - yup, I'm more positive than ever that they dug the hole Jessica tripped on. The next morning when dreamy Laird was telling the teams what to expect next, he let them all know that because of the Grads dropping out, the Browns would be returning to the race. The Fogals each said "Good" with an unspoken "because we can easily beat them in a foot race." The audience wasn't surprised by any of this, because thanks to whoever put together the promos for this week's show neglected to, oh, not include shots of Team Brown in the previews! The Wild Hanlons however were not so pleased. To quote Pat, he of the magificent mullet, "What a bunch of crap." He then went on to further endear himself to viewers by saying, "The Browns were eliminated. They're lucky to be in the game because of a little girl broke her leg. Basically at the end of the day I feel they're competition for us."
I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to Pat that the "little girl" with the injured leg kicked your butt last week. I'd also like to ask where the fun, happy-go-lucky mullet went, and why was it replaced by this bitter, angry mullet? You're the fun team, Wild Hanlons! We already have one Fogal Family! It's the taint, I tell you. How any teams escaped unscathed from the shadows of the Dark Pastor and his kin is beyond me.
Before we get to the actual game, please indulge me in a little premise envy. Last week the players stayed at a beautiful bed and breakfast, this week it was at the Diamond District Breakfast Inn in Massachusetts. If I ever get my name off the "No Fly" list, I'd love to stay there some day. For the record, I've never done anything wrong! It was my cousin Tarby Lavalamp who made all those jokes about Dick Cheney shooting people's faces!
Waking the hunters up at 6:30 a.m., sexy Laird McTakeyourclothesoff started talking about the American Revolution. Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité! I think. I'm not American, so all these revolutions blend together after a while. Their search would begin inside of the Old Burke School. At 7:00 a.m. a frantic race to leave the fine establishment that cared for them so lovingly overnight likely resulted in the unfortunate breakage of several irreplacable antiques. That's only a guess based on the frenzied running to leave the inn (which couldn't look too good to people who may have been considering staying there ("What if it's haunted!?!)) but then again maybe everything worth anything was packed away first. That would have been the smart thing to do.
Running to the cars, Matthew of the Southie Boys said he knew exactly where it is. Now this was all taking place in the Boston area, but as regular watchers of reality adventure shows know, being on your home turf just makes you more likely to get lost. And frankly, who really knows where everything in their hometown is? I wouldn't be able to find my way to West Edmonton Mall without abundant signage.
It did make sense to follow the Southies though, which everyone but the Air Force and the Fogals did. The Air Force may have been relying on powerful satellites and the North American Aerospace Defense Command, the Fogals however likely had nothing more than a dagger dipped in the blood of a virgin being dangled from a silver chain to guide their way.
Using their Motorola Razr phones, the teams did a lot of cooperation to find this location while I was busy at home getting no compensation from Motorola for shilling their product, and Ask.com was doing no better. Don't make me do a Google search for Nokia, guys. And see? No links. I'm doing right by you, so how about a free phone and t-shirt?
Anyway, the Fogals weren't doing so well, so they called up the Geniuses who were't too happy when they saw the caller ID. So what did Francis do? He fogaled them, that's what he did! Totally gave them the wrong directions! This so made up for their little evil deed they pulled on the Grad Students in the season premiere.
As it turns out, having NORAD at your side is a lot better than actually being from somewhere as Team Air Force was the first to arrive at the school. Hang your beautiful heads in shame, Southie Boys. Sure, it's not the same as getting lost in home territory, but it's still not as good as getting there first. No worries though, we still love you.
So the "Old Burke School" is actually the "Mary C. Burke School". I'm sure Mary appreciates being known as "Old Burke". Almost as much as she appreciates the desecration done to the hallowed halls of learning bearing her name for the sake of television, as there was graffiti everywhere including the clue, "Look until you can see no more." How do we know it was a clue? Real graffiti is usually coupled with very poor English and this should have read "LuK untill u cn C nomor."
And so Team Air Force looked until they found a room with two blackboards, one containing a bunch of facts on the American Revolution, and the other stolen from the set of Numb3rs.
They discussed what they had for a while, but ended up focussing on one line, "Shot heard around the world." With no reason to decide on this location other than it seemed right, it's possible this team may have just hanloned themselves.
After they left, all the other teams sans Fogals arrived at the school, every one of them passing by the huge "Look until you can see no more" sign. As the hilarious and spot-on guys at TVgasm like to point out, if a cameraman keeps zooming in on a particular area as you're looking for something, maybe check out where they're looking.
They did all find their way to the classroom with all the writing, however, but they weren't having much luck finding any real clues. The Geniuses started to earn sarcastic inflections on their name once again as they were about to give up on the classroom when Josh of the Wild Hanlons noticed something unusual with the light switches. He turned the lights in the room off, which brought up some black lights and different clues on each of the boards. How about that, Geniuses? Granted, it was Josh who found this and not Pat or Ben who were busy looking through the grass outside the school for the clue, but still impressive none-the-less.
First clue: Go to the Wentworth House in Strawbery Banke and find what the Minutemen left behind.
Second clue: Go to the old New Gate Prison and search the darkness to find the way to the light.
It was at this point I saved the draft of this recap and treated myself to something to eat. No food, no funny. And judging by what's written so far, I must be starving.
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Much better. Furthermore, I was able to expand myself as a Professional Entertainment Journalist by watching Entertainment Tonight while eating.
Once the clues were uncovered, hunky Laird made an appearance telling the players that each team must choose another to work with, one team going to the first location and the other team going to the second. In this case however, it was three teams going one way, three going the other. Seeing as they were all pretty much working together at this point to defeat the Air Force and the Dark Side it didn't really matter technically who was teaming up with whom.
Sure enough, once outside a Motorola starting ringing merrily away. Forty miles away, Ma Fogal was giving them a call trying to find out where everyone was. If you read my coverage of the last show, you'll remember that I called their style of dirty play "stupid dirty", and right here is why. All these teams working together? None of them have screwed the others over yet. Not so the Fogals, and now they get their comeuppance in the form of more misdirection. Karma. Learn it, love it, and pay attention because it comes up again very soon. Darth Fogal talked about how they need to get together with the Air Force, but whether it was for use of their killer defence satellites or because that team has had much of the lead we don't know, but it was coincidental that was the only other team not part of the general group.
The Fogals by now were getting very frustrated, and the Air Force realized that they had made a huge error when they left the school with Matt, who was behind the whole idea of leaving based on that one line, looking quite embarrassed over the whole thing.
Now pack split up, with the Southies, Ex-CIA, and The Mulleteers going to Wentworth House and Miss USA, Geniuses, and the Browns going to Old Newgate Prison (I don't blame the producers for spelling it two different ways, New Gate and Newgate as a quick search finds all sorts of variations, including New-Gate). It's hard to tell based on editing, but the Air Force seemed to arrive soon after the others left, found the clue quickly, then phoned it over to the Fogals. I'm not sure how I feel about this, even when it helps out teams I like. Even if they don't work it out themselves, it seems only right that teams at least make it to the clue in the first place.
If you ever want to define irony, here is a great example. After misleading the Fogals so wonderfully, it turns out they were actually closer to the prison than any other team. That just goes to show you what a little good luck and sacrificing a few kittens to a demonic overlord will get you.
At Wentworth House, sweet Laird gave us and the contestants a little history lesson on one of the oldest houses in the United States with one of the most forelorn, ramshackle interiors, and said that the clues would be hidden inside hollow bullets, just like those used in the revolution. Don't worry, Fogals! He said "hollow bullets", not "silver bullets"! You're safe enough!
So they look around the house, searching every nook and cranny. Finally the Hanlons are in their element! But it's John of the Southie Boys who finds the hidden bullets. Muscular, sexy John. Why he's forced to wear shirts on the show is beyond me.
As these three teams were leaving, the Air Force were running up and watching their dust. This brought them to the conclusion that the trios were all ganging up against them. Granted, it was the correct conclusion, but the reasoning was entirely off. Most people would assume that, oh, driving off to a random location based entirely on a hunch may have had something to do with not being part of the pack. Their reaction to this correct assumption based on erroneous logic was, "That's pretty sick!" Yeah, about as sick as forgetting it was your own fault that you left the school without the correct clue. I was worried I wouldn't have anyone to pick on once the Fogals and Hanlons get eliminated, but at this rate everything should be just fine.
Clues in hand, Team Southanloncia had to make their way to the Old North Church, and I realized that too many locations had "Old" as part of their name. Not Laird though. He's been freshly assembled from all new parts. I do loves me some o' that Laird, but sometimes I can't resist joining in with the robot jokes.
Anyway, the Air Force got their clue and phoned the Fogals, who were much closer to the prison than the others, and informed them that everyone else was teamed against them. This seemed to have shocked the Fogals who must have been completely unaware of how they themselves had been playing the game up to this point.
The Air Force also gave the appearance of being completely unaware of how the Fogals have been playing the game and were happy to have had at least one team with them.
*** We interrupt this recap for some breaking news! This just in, sheep are now happy to be teamed with wolves! Mice are happy to be teamed with cats! Backs are happy to be teamed with knives! Widespread mayhem is ensuing, authorities ask the public to stay at home and lock your doors! ***
Now I'm not saying not to trust the Fogals, I'm just saying that you shouldn't be surprised to find them sucking the very flesh off your bones.
Sure enough our favourite fun family are the first to find the prison, the first structure to be used as such in America. They too much find messages in hollow bullets, and to do so they must search the darkness. First we have the Southies on home turf, now it's the Fogal's turn.
Descending deep into the bowels of the earth once again with only their flashlights, Kayte's whining and complaining, and the screams of the damned as company, the Fogals found their bullet before the other teams even arrived, causing Darth Fogal to exclaim, "Embrace evil and it shall embrace you back! Mwaahahahahaha!"
Or it was, "Okay, guys. Back upstairs. Back upstairs." It's really hot here and I have a fan going, so it was hard to make out.
After stepping back into the accursed light, they proceded to call the Air Force and compare clues. Combined, it came to this...
Near Old North Church Near Old North Church
Only The Dead Can See the Light
One if by Land Two if by Sea
Plymouth Light if by Land
Boston Light if by Sea
Pretty horrible poetry, but worth it if we get to see someone scared silly by the ghost of Paul Revere, or at least by the melodious tunes of Paul Revere and the Raiders.
After the Fogals left, the Geniuses, Browns, and Miss USAs arrived and quickly found their bullets.
The Browns then called the Fogals, and though they should have been working together Pat decided to make loud bad reception noises and Ben was shouting about the Statue of Liberty in New York. Fun Hanlons? Enjoyable! Jerk Hanlons? Bah. Nothing like letting your feelings toward a team get in the way of actually trying to do well. They then drove to Vermont for some hamburgers. Texas style!
After the phone call, Pat started going on about the Browns and how they get his mullet in a twist. He said, and thanks to some handy subtitles I have it for you exactly, "I mean, I'm tempted to just call them and screw 'em, but you know I believe in Karma." I told you it would come up again.
The Air Force arrived at the church first, and from nearby cemetary saw two lanterns in the steeple. As they were leaving, they bumped into the Southie Boys and tempers started flaring. It seems the AF doesn't like people teaming up against them, even though at this point they had no evidence that this was happening. It just bothers me when people come to the right conclusion through the wrong means.
While this little altercation was happening, the Miss USAs finally got some decent screen time as Melissa was calling in their half of the clue to the Ex-CIAs. The Spooks in turn told them the next stop is Boston for sure due to the two lights in the steeple - Two if by Sea.
Then it was back to Southies vs. Air Force where they were arguing over who was taking what personally, and the subject of the Fogals did come up. It's the taint I keep saying! Why won't anyone believe me?
This didn't last too much longer, and everyone soon enough worked out that they had to go to lighthouse at Pemberton Pier. Foxy Laird showed his pretty little face and told the hunters that the pier was the departure point for the lighthouse ferry, and at the pier they would find tickets to determine which order they would depart. The ferries would run every 15 minutes leaving at 7:30 a.m., and each could carry up to two teams.
Getting the first ticket was the Southie Boys (yay!), followed by the Ex-Spooks and the Air Force. The Mulleteers were the fourth team to arrive, but kept walking by the tickets. They were even trying to search small buoys in the water, much to the amusement of the Southies who got a glimpse into what we've been enjoying all along. Eventually Ben saw the tickets and they were able to get one before any other teams arrived, even though they stopped for some pizza on the way.
The Fogals came next, then the Miss USAs, the Geniuses, and finally the Browns who at this point were getting sick of coming in last place.
At the Colonial Bed & Breakfast in Hull, Massachusetts, there was much wheeling and dealing to be done by the various teams. The Miss USAs got themselves on the boat with the Ex-CIAs, jointly becoming Team Acronym. The Fogals invoked their dark powers and got themselves on the Air Force's ferry. The Southies would take the Geniuses on their boat, unaware that the Geniuses are often the "Geniuses". And that was it for now. No Hanlon/Brown alliance here.
The next morning the teams made their way to the pier and the ferries. The Southies and Geniuses made their way across the water, where studmuffin Laird informed them that it was America's first lighthouse, and this is where they would find their next artifacts, of which there would be only seven and so of the eight teams, one would be ending their hunt. These artifacts would be in lockboxes, and the teams would have to work out the clues.
They tried various years and such to try and work out the combination. They weren't having much luck and were still at it when Team Acronym were arriving, but Genius Francis then noticed a lot of rocks were in unnatural formations, resulting in them sending Charles, the shmuck who didn't want to leave Mount Roosevelt in the first episode, to go to the top of the lighthouse. He found a little redemption in finding a pattern, but it was up to his team mates on the ground to notice that they were Roman numerals, and from there Francis put together the numbers pretty quickly. They got this worked out as the USAs and CIAs were coming down towards the lighthouse, and Charles shouted to them to get together with the others. He then noticed Team Dark Side arriving and warned the others to hurry up.
Back on the pier, the Browns were asking the Hanlons if they could go along on their boat, which wasn't going to happen. "Y'all are lucky as hell you're here, so be thankful." Pat, you're such a charmer. Between that silver tongue and fine mullet, how you aren't beating the ladies off with a stick is beyond me. I don't know what happened with the Wild Hanlons this episode, but they weren't as pleasant as they've been in previous appearances.
This pissed off the Browns, resulting in Tonny insulting the Hanlons' collective intelligence. I'd say fair enough, but Josh has redeemed himself a few times so far. So the Hanlons left on their boat alone, with a final insult to the "clowns, I mean, Browns!" And here I was trying to take it easy on the Mulleteers. If they make it to the next episode, the gloves are off! They'll get the royal Fogal treatment. Ha! HAHA!
Back on the island, the Geniuses worked out the combinations resulting in a frenzied opening of lockboxes. The first to find their artifact, an engraved box, were the Geniuses which was only fair as they worked out the combinations. There were also rocks in the lockboxes, something the producers likely thought of after all the box shaking that took place at Mount Rushmore. Sneaky. I like it.
Next were the Miss USAs (yay!), then the Ex-CIAs (yay, or I'll find my phone being tapped), and the Southies (you got a yay earlier). Now for a well-deserved rest, but not before relocking the boxes and spinning the locks.
The Fogal Force then worked out the clue and opened their boxes, the Fogals first then the Air Force.
This left the Wild Hanlons and the Browns. The Hanlons had a 15 minute head start, but they took their ferry over to New Hampshire for some tacos, and when they got back to the island tried to guess at the combination until Josh suggested they look for a clue.
While Josh went up to the top of the lighthouse, Ben and Pat started writing down every number they could see because that's been working for them so well. They were still looking when the Browns arrived, though Josh had worked out the pattern before Tonny made it to the top of the stairs. Once up there, Josh apologized to Tonny for the way his dad and uncle treated the Browns, saying that people helped the Hanlons out the previous day but they didn't help anyone out this day, and this was all very sincere. Josh is a good young man. A team of three Josh Hanlons might not have been as funny as the Wild Hanlons we got, but they would have been a smarter team and one to cheer for. At the end of the day Pat might not have been the nicest of people, but he can be very proud that he raised a fine son. And a hell of a mullet.
It wasn't looking good for the Browns going into commercial, but when we came back he was finding the pattern while the Hanlons were still working on the locks, not having worked out the Roman numerals. This gave the Browns time to really catch up as they figured out the combinations, which drove the Mulleteers crazy. Having a little fun, the Browns spun the numbers on the locks before dropping them, and when Pat ran over to grab one and took it back to his team with no success, they had a little laugh. Pat then tried to spy on the Browns as they opened locks, and by "spy" I mean "shoved his mullet right in there". This upset Team Brown who gave their best line, "Rotten scum! You wouldn't let me ride on your boat but now you wanna ride on my back!"
And so Team Brown opened up a box and got the last clue, meaning the Wild Hanlons were now eliminated from the hunt.
Pat redeemed himself here when he said, "It's called Karma." I'm glad he noticed that. He didn't treat the Browns right, now he's out of the game. Karma or not, his actions fired his opponents up. He then showed himself to be quite the philsopher when he talked about how it's not just a treasure hunt but it's a hunt for your inner self.
The third team has now been eliminated, but that's not important. What nobody seemed to have noticed is that we had the Browns on a boat and Keith didn't come close to drowning once. Most excellent indeed.